Today I got back on the InterNet from Stockholm and discovered that the Everything Day Logs have gotten both more organized and less relevant. Relevant isn't the word I'm looking for. Perhaps dynamic? The nodes used to come before the references, and now it's vice versa.

in our last episode... | p_i-logs | and then, all of a sudden...

Some relatives were in town, so we brought back burgers for lunch. In the evening we all went out for sushi. After finishing my dinner (a combo plate of sushi), I helped others in the group to finish theirs. I agree with my grandfather that the tuna and salmon on the outside of the 'ranibow roll' is good and the (imitation?) crab on the inside is not.

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I don't even know where to begin.. I am going to Seattle in 9 days. Of course im neurotic about it.

I hate my empathy at times. Sometime I see someone, and I want to reach out.. and let them know that they can trust people.. that they can open up without someone sticking a big iron spike in their soul.. it causes me to say the wrong thing at times.. other times it causes me to say nothing at all.. I am confident.. too confident for some.. I know im not perfect.. we all have faults. I sometimes point them out, my faults.. and the faults of others.. not to be mean.. but to show them that people will still adore them for them.. and not cast them aside.. some people dont take to that very well.. others .. i dunno.. i try to open up.. show them i am willing to make the first step.. and i get slammed.

I think i come off as arrogent or cocky at times. I know I intimidate some.. others dont see me as a threat to anything.. I think both are false.. I am confident in who I am.. that doesnt mean i am sure of who they are.. I dont have the upper or lower hand.. human interaction is importent.. and i realize that I dont get out as much as i should at times.. its frustrating.. finding people who stimulate me.. I can't deal with spending time with people who arent a challenge.. im not looking to play games but be real.. no masks.. no facades.. just unfilter humans connecting.. I have met a few nice guys as friends lately.. they all seem to spend their time with people they have control over.. people who are afraid to question them.. and when they meet someone who does.. they cant deal.. as someone recently put it to me "telling the emperor he has no clothes on" ..

I am in love.. I am publicly declaring it.. I am in love. He is amazing.. it scares me.. we both know we have faults.. we both respect and understand ourselves, and each other. I'm scared to tread quickly.. He is not perfect.. no one is.. if he was .. I would be totally inadequete.. but he is himself.. and that is all i ask.. "To thine ownself be true" or sumn.. I wanna be as perfect as I can be for him.. without losing myself.. and sacrificng who I am. I have this amazing amount of control in my life right now.. It is a bit rad.. I have this total feeling of self-actualization. I would be a liar if I said I wasn't a bit nervous/anxious.. I am scared that being so far apart.. well you know.. how they say "absense makes the heart grow fonder" .. and when we go for it.. his expectations will be way higher than I could ever hope to achieve... Iknow that it is just me.. and

my anxieties.. but still Control.. perfection.. will power.. stregnth.. too much of a good thing is bad.. I lost 20 lbs or so.. I wanna lose another few.. I look cute.. I can look cuter. Even at my heaviest, I was ok looking.. I had cute boyfriends, who were smart and rad. This isn't about guys. It is about me. I know I can look better, I know I can be sexier, svelter, and just as cute. I would never loose or gain weight for anyone but myself..

My past hasn't been staying there lately, I think I see a chance to close a chapter in my life. I will be 21, on 9/11. Out of nowhere, every serious ex I have ever had has contacted me in some way. I see this as a chance for closure, or acceptance that there wont ever be closure. This has great timing, since I go to Seattle on the 24th.


Juliet's Journal, back|forward

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