I hate having to ask this but...?

would you please?

can you do me a favor?

honey will you?

hey...(looks enquiringly usually holding or pointing to the desired object) please?

I really do hate asking for help from you or anybody for anything. it pisses me right off. I'm not angry at you, I'm angry at myself. This past few years it seems that I can do nothing except ask for a helping hand, a shoulder to cry on, an faq or an explanation, immediate medical attention...the list goes on and on. As a matter of fact right now it's to the point where I have to ask someone to carry just about everything for me. Turbo Bitch Mode, a friend used this term today and I thought it was rather fitting to my current mind set.

Why has God, fate, the powers that be continually put me in this predicament? Is it so that I will be humble? I thought I was...at least polite and sincere(most of the time). When I say please and thank you I honestly mean it. I wouldn't ask if didn't need your help, I'm grateful for it. There are times though that I anger quickly, or can't say very much because I fear I'll explode unruly emotions all over the place. It's not that I find your actions offensive, or lack of enthusiasm upsetting. This volatile tide of emotions are almost exclusively self centered.

I'm angry at myself for being needy, my weakness, lack of understanding and basic humanity. I don't want to have to depend on anyone. I resent having to ask for help.

When I have to ask someone to do something for me, this is where shame of my inability falls into play. I have been known to lash out physically and verbally. This is particularly true when I have to depend on everyone that surrounds me for months at a time. I tend to feel like a wounded animal, acting out my animal instincts to violently attack all whom I think might be trying to take advantage of me in my weakened state.

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