Everytime I feel upset, I think of my future.
By this, I mean my ambitions - the things I want to happen in the future. Moving out of Australia to Japan, or moving to Korea for example. Falling in love. Raising children of my own. I've planned out every step I must take, the things I must first finish or tie off, and the sacrifices that will inevitably happen.
I remind myself, everytime someone lets me down, that my relations with them are not permanent. In ten years, they will be but a memory to me.
While the people of my age think of boyfriends and sex and partying, they think I must be a social outcast simply because I won't let myself get distracted. I study, because an ATAR of 80 and higher is possible for me. I have always set myself high goals, and almost always accomplish them. But lately, I've been trying harder to keep my resolve rock-solid.
It becomes something like a mantra that I must repeat over, and over until I believe it myself. Living for the future is important - so nothing else matters. I cannot be distracted. Living in the moment is a phrase that I cannot live by. I live for nothing else but the future, and when it comes, I hope I will be happy.
I've pondered every meaning behind the words, you sow before you reap.
So love, for example. I remind myself not to fall in love. No-one has ever called me beautiful, but that's fine by me. It makes it easier. I hate the way my mind works - because I only ever fall for the ones that hurt me. Of course I want to be loved. But it takes so much thinking and time, which I do not have much of these days. And no one has the patience to deal with the girl that smiles at everyone, with the notebook in the library. She is always thinking.
Friends. When they leave me out of things, I pretend I'm not hurt. I smile and laugh along to the inside jokes I don't understand. I'm always so happy. I am the bright spark, because I don't whine and mope about parents not letting them out, or a piercing they can't have. I smile so much, it's not even happy anymore. It's all habitual.
I know that soon, it will not matter. Some of them are going to work, some to uni, and some to smoke pot in their parents basement while watching Dr. Phil. I have always been the one that had their backs. I never did anything to anger them. So I don't understand why they whisper in one another's ears when they think I'm not looking. I don't get why I'm only on the invite list because I'm the happy one, and parties are fun with happy people.
I'm sick of sunshine and rainbows.
Sorry. I don't even know if this node makes any sense to anyone.
I've had a bad day. It's made me question a few things.