Fallen over once again and left outside overnight this is getting to be a pattern this is getting to be a headache
The nature of your problems are only in your head so why do you need to bring them out to me?
Do I look like I can help you? I'm reflected in your failure.
There's nothing I can do, I'm broken and relapsed.

You've fallen over once again and left alone out in the cold and this is starting to repeat itself and hurt
The nurture that you're missing isn't a problem with which I can cope, so why do you bring it out to me?
Does it look like I'm reliable? I'm the other side of your one-sided coin.
There's nothing I can tell you that I don't already know.

Slowly I am settling into this strange non-vacation/non-normal existence.

Things I did today:

  • Went to a local pharmacy and set up a profile and had my prescriptions phoned over.
  • Bought workout shoes and T-shirts.
  • Picked up new prescription sunglasses, required for Fun Things(tm).
  • Went to flight school and scheduled a 'second first lesson' for tomorrow morning.
  • Agonized over the fact that now that I have one of the guns I've always wanted, I can apparently get another for only $149 and now need to make that shit happen.
  • Did other shopping errands for myself and my hosts.
  • Did 7 hrs of actual work for the job, working remotely from my laptop in my new basement hideaway in the 'burbals.

That's pretty good. Things I need to do in the next few days:

  • Shoot my rifle
  • Maybe shoot some handguns
  • Fly
  • Start working out (either at home with "You Are Your Own Gym" or by actually joining the local Y)
  • Finish dealing with my TR6 - it is now registered and has NY plates, but I couldn't bring it back with me because it wouldn't pass NY State inspection due to (*cough* what else) electrical issues
  • Think harder about changing the way I live my life. Specifically, about learning to enjoy my present and stop feeling like I must mortgage everything for a future that, I now realize, isn't going to come.

After a solid two hours of debating with my local gun-owner friend about gun control where I took the position that as a New York City resident, I was in favor of severely limiting access to concealed carry and open carry privileges, I went and did a bunch of reading. I have come to the uncomfortable conclusion that while those positions have not changed, I must acknowledge that the way in which New York City appears to limit firearms carry appears to me to be unconstitutional and just downright wrong.

I also noticed that the state my father lives in has some of the most liberal (as in, unrestrictive) gun laws I've ever heard of, much less seen. Specifically, no license at all is required to: purchase handguns, purchase long guns, carry handguns (concealed or open), carry long guns, or shoot either. The only restrictions seem to be Federal restrictions on transferring firearms (which mostly aren't applicable within the state so long as neither party is a convicted felon or has been judged mentally incapable) and rules that firearms are not allowed on school grounds (or in school zones) other than certain waivers for those carrying in the course of their jobs (police, etc.)

I must say, I feel safe in Manhattan these days - safer by far than I did in the 1970s and 1980s, before gun control became a priority of the NYPD and city government. On the other hand, I feel completely safe in my Dad's state of residence and have for the past 30 years. So, who knows.

Having said that, now I'm plotting the acquisition of handguns I've always wanted, too (1911, Browning Hi-Power). When I say 'plotting the acquisition of' I mean 'filling out New York license application paperwork' so don't worry. While it's impossible by design to get a carry permit in NYC unless you're an ex-cop or related to one (that little loophole is emblematic of the big problem with the current system), it's mostly just time-consuming and annoying but not difficult to get a premises permit. The premises permit allows you to keep handguns in your home, and to transport them to and from a shooting range or gunsmith unloaded in a locked case. It would also allow me to purchase them legally. That's all I'd want anyway.

So. Things are moving. They're not 'better' yet, I don't think. But they're different, and they're moving. Let's see where they go.

Apropos of nothing, damn I need a haircut, and my stylist can't see me until April 26th. I might have to resort to another barber, which will result in my being abused when I do see her.

Q: If there are three doctors talking, how do you tell which one is the woman?

A: The one whose comments are ignored while the other two talk to each other is the woman.

same old same old same old, I can step back in time and remember it over and over and over

Q:There is a room with a number of straight guys, a gay guy and a woman. The woman and the gay guy are dressed the same. How do you tell which one is the woman?

A: The conservative guys leave. The liberal guys tease the gay guy about being a girl. The woman is ignored by everyone, except occasionally by the gay guy.


The idea that only a man "really comfortable" with his masculinity can deal with being called a "girl", means that it is still an insult to be a girl. It is bad. It's lesser.

When will this change? Instead of "don't be such a girl", when will it be a POSITIVE for a man to be compared to a woman.

I am not sure that I want to be here. Call me when it changes, okay?

It makes me sick to think of speaking soon: my voice is female and therefore it is denigrated, dismissed, discriminated and hated.

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