Today
I went shopping after I got back from my walk. If you lose a couple
pounds the clothes you have gets looser. If you lose twice as much
weight it becomes baggy and if you lose twenty pounds nothing you started out with fits.
It's a good problem to have, the list of health problems that run in my
family is long and lengthy so I'm doing the right thing but it's still
hard to drop a couple hundred dollars and come home with nothing more
than two outfits to wear to work and a couple of shirts I can wear
whenever. Formerly I bought most of my work pants at Banana Republic
however after one of their employees wouldn't take back a pair of pants
that were the wrong size I decided they weren't the only game in town
and switched to Ann Taylor. Several people have told me I can get things
cheaper elsewhere but I'm of the opinion that you get what you pay for
and I also have a difficult body to fit. The last time I went to Ann
Taylor I came home with four pairs of pants in different colors. Today I
had to get cropped pants in black and white because those were the only
two pairs that fit.
Lately I've been wondering why I hate being at home so much. My house
is in a decent neighborhood, inside the windows are large so our house
gets plenty of light but I have a hard time enjoying being at home even
on my days off. For me it's much easier to pack the girls up and take
them to the Y than it is to sit at home. Most of my walks start out with
soul searching as a goal to work towards. Today the lake was so
sparkling clean it made me feel good just to see it. Small clear pools
of water reflect the sunlight when I walk past. I feel productive and
connected when I'm walking which is strange since really neither is
true. Daylogs are supposed to be a place where people can write about
what they think, what they're feeling and current events in their lives.
Part of the reason I don't like getting really personal here is because
I know other people from my real life read this. Part of me is okay
with that but some other part of me wants to write about my life, the
way I think it really is and I don't feel like that's a viable option
for me even though I know I could fill this space with whatever characters came to me.
Tomorrow I have to go back to work. Already I'm dreading the stress,
my boss is very tense. I'm intense and even though we're supposedly a
team I almost never feel like we work well together like management
should. He tells me the way things are going to be. When I bring up my
ideas or try to talk to him about the way he treats others he blows me
off and that's frustrating as well. A while ago I was telling my sister
that I really wanted to lose weight. She's lost a lot of weight recently
but deep down I'm not sure she's a very happy person. She told me that
losing weight wouldn't really change my life. In a way she was
right. I've changed but my life hasn't really. At work I'm there and I'm
good at what I do, better than I ever thought I would be but what
people are getting there isn't the real me. Superficially I'm saying the
right things and I don't think people can tell I do this but mentally
I'm as far away from work and shoes and people as I can get. Writeups
flitter through my mind whenever I have difficult customers.
Sometimes I wonder if that's a bad coping mechanism
but then I'll have good customers that I like and I want to write about
them as well.
Right now I have knots in my stomach for no reason. I'm home, I'm
safe, I'm warm and not hungry. I have some new clothes to wear to work
and around home. I need some shoes to go with what I have and I might
work at a shoe store but since my feet are small the store I work at
won't have my size so I'll have to pay to have shoes shipped to me.
Naturally things could be much worse however they could always be better
and that's what I'm hoping will happen now that I know the girls like
climbing the rock wall. Things were bad when we got home. Climbing takes
a lot out of them, it takes more out of me and I did not handle things
well when I got home. I would much rather not be the frustrated yelling
parent but tomorrow night when I'm all alone in the big lonely mall I'm
going to think about the girls which is always hard for me. Last year at
this time I was outwardly a very different person. Things are different
in a better way this year. I have more self confidence. I've learned a
lot about myself and other people. Hopefully this upward trend will
continue and I won't always be the sad girl writing daylogs when her life is actually quite
good.
***
A quick note to my daughters: Girls - I had fun climbing the rock
wall with you. Tomorrow I'll look for some shoes that will be easier to
climb in and next time we won't forget to bring a snack. Today I was
really proud of both of you, I'm glad you chose some challenging new
routes and I'm looking forward to climbing again soon. Have a great day
tomorrow, don't forget that I love you both very much - mom. P.S. Huzz.