Launching Rockets

My physics class launched our model rockets today. Mostly they were complete failures, doing sideways loop-the-loops into the nearest tree.

Two of the guys' rockets managed to go in an upwards-ish direction, both landing in very high trees.

My rocket (nicknamed "Rock It") misfired the first two times. The switch was thrown... and nothing exciting happened. We checked and rechecked connections, powerpoints and fuses and finally tried for the third and final time.

It cartwheeled onto the oval. Big anticlimax. The engine fell out, the engine holder having managed to fall out. The fireproof wadding managed to migrate to the end of the rocket tube and the parachute comically released three seconds after landing.

But at least it flew.

I won the group battle for the custody of "Rock It". Not that anyone else wanted it.

and so i wander, slowly and probably, starting to ponder, my very existence.
is that not enough, that you’ve filched my cold, dead heart but you insist, on messing with it.
you too, brute? you swear on your mother’s, grave that you have, indeed?
i promise promise, promise that i won’t, make you upset.
i’ll construct, a web of truth just, to see what you’ll say
If you have problems with this, message me. I'd like it to get better

April 26th was a fine Saturday, I was downstairs just fiddling with my computer as always, but it was the day I tried to commit suicide by overdosing Tylenol. Mom left the house with my two younger half sisters and Tim was working at his pet store, Fin & Feather. I surfed the web, but I was mainly on sites like Gaiaonline.com and Myspace.com. At this point in time of my life, I was attached to a girl named Brittany Fitzwater. She had claimed to still love me even though she had broke up with me on February 27th of that year. She couldn't deal with long distance anymore. I would like to say, roughly around 10 that night, she finally signed onto AIM after not being online all day. I tried to talk to her and she was quiet for the longest amount of time. I knew she must have been ignoring me, which was pissing me off. At some random point, she IMed and said that she was a bad person, blah blah blah. She tells me how she apparently wants her best friend, Aubrey now all of a sudden instead of her friend, Kate, or me. That kind of upsetted me a little. I wish she would just make up her mind already.

I don't really remember much of the conversation or argument, whatever it was but I know somehow suicide was brought into it. Brittany knew how I was, and straight up told me, "If you want to die so bad, then I want you to just go ahead and do it. Get it over with it." She also knew that I never said no to her, that whatever she said goes. So, I told her, "Okay, I will!" ((Yes, I was stupid and "lovestruck" at that given time, don't remind me...)) After I had declared that, Brittany either signed off, blocked me or went away on AIM. I went to a thread forum that she commonly went to and informed our friends of what was happening, I told them goodbye. I waited for everyone in my house to go to sleep and then I logged off my computer. I had my cell phone with me and I searched my house high and low, trying to think of the best way to do it. In the end, I opened the kitchen cabinet and pulled out a new bottle of Extra Sstrength Tylenol. I got a big plastic cup and filled it with water, then I went downstairs to the basement / laundry room. I sat on top of the washing machine and emptied the pill bottle on the dryer that was next to me.

I took some deep breaths and counted backwards to prepare myself, I had to make sure I was determined, motivated and that I had a clear mind. When I felt like I was ready and calm, I picked up a handful of pills, swallowed, picked up a handful of pills, swallowed and repeated until all the pills were gone. ((I swallowed a total of 180 pills of Tylenol and each pill was 500 mg.)) I looked at the time on my cell phone, it was midnight. I drank some more water to wash away the cotton dryness in my mouth. Then, I decided to call Brittany up and let her know of what I had done. "Hope you're proud, I have done what you've told me to.... because you know that I never say no to you." She asked what did I mean by that? "I've taken a whole thing of Tylenol just for you because you said so." She then told me to shut up and that she didn't want to hear it, I hear that she was starting to cry in the background. "I just thought I would let you know..." She hung on me, I guess she didn't really think that I would do it.

I then decided that I would call my ex-fiance, Amberly Taliaferro. I told her everything and all she could really say was that Brittany wasn't worth it. While I was talking to her, I stopped being calm and I was becoming excited. The thought of me dying was exciting me and making me hyperactive. I could not sit still. I paced around in circles. I hopped up and down. Then, my body started trembling at first but then I was shaking as if I were freezing. I think that lasted for about 15 minutes. Then, I started feeling sleepy with a slight headache. I walked upstairs to my bedroom and laid down. I continued to talk to Amberly until I thought I would pass out from being so tired. I fell into a deep sleep, not moving an inch until suddenly I woke up like... 2 hours later.

I felt so icky and neasuated. I covered my mouth in fear that if I puked, I would throw up pills and that I wouldn't die. But, that didn't help to prevent my upchucking. I puked about 5 times, it was all over my bedsheets and everything. Puke was even on my floor and on my right shoulder. I felt weak and tired so I didn't give a crap about the disgusting puke being all around me and that I was laying in it. I fell back to sleep and I slept for half an hour. I woke up again and started hurling my insides again. After every time I threw up, I would lay back down to try to sleep it off but only to get awaken by my upset stomach to hurl again when 5 minutes passed by. By the time there was light coming through my windows, I was throwing up stomach acid. You're probably wondering how the hell am I still alive today? Good question.

My mom opened my bedroom door at about 8:30 because she heard gasping and coughing. She took one look at me and demanded to know if I had done something to hurt myself. I couldn't speak, it wasn't my stomach hurting anymore - now my heart was racing like it was about to explode. The only way I could inform my mom of what I had done, I remembered I had stuck the empty pill bottle in the pocket of my hoodie, so I pulled it out and showed her. Mom sped out to a nearby phone while telling me to stay put but get out of my puked clothes. I couldn't do it, I couldn't take off my nasty puked-on hoodie. My 3 year old half sister, Chloe, came into my room and saw me struggling to get it off so, she came over and helped me. Poor Chloe didn't know what was going on, she just thought I was sick and not going to school. ((This is probably the reason why Chloe now fears / hates anything related to hospitals and doctors. She probably thinks they are only related to deaths.))

I was still throwing up when Mom came back. She lifted me up and we climbed inside her blue van. We dropped off Logan and Chloe at a neighbor's house and then she raced to Saint Mary's Hospital - which was the closest. I had a garbage bag in my hands to throw up in. I was so weak and tired, I couldn't lift up my head - my head kept swaying all over the place and my eyes kept rolling around, up to the back of my head. When we arrived, I seated onto a wheel chair and rolled into an emergency room. The doctors lifted me up and placed me on one of them stroller beds. I got hooked up to an IV, a heart monitor and another monitor for my breathing. ((Oh, in case you were wondering, no I didn't get my stomach pumped. The doctors said I had puked it all up but the medicine was in my bloodstream.)) My heartbeat was so fast and it had hurt like a bitch, it made me want to curl tightly into a ball but I wasn't allowed to. All I could do was lay on my back or roll over onto my side. Several times I had use the throw up tub that was provided in there.

At that point, I wasn't just puking up my stomach acid, I was puking out my blood. Doctors were becoming more anxious and were starting to believe that there would be no way to save me since there was so much Tylenol in me and since it was already in my bloodstream for more than 9 hours. Lea-Ann, my couselor sat by my side, holding my hand. Before that point in time, I had never seen her cry. I had always looks at her as the strong, confident type but she was balling her eyes out in front of me at that very moment. Her and my mom were just sobbing - I had never seen anyone cry that much over somebody like me! It even shocked me because some of the doctors and nurses were starting to tear up because they really starting to believe that I was going to be a goner. I was beyond just pale, I was a sickly, deathly grey corpse color. I remember puking up more blood and stomach acid before rolling over my side to face the wall and trying my best to ignore the pains to just fall asleep.

I must have passed out because the next thing I knew, I wake up inside my own hospital room and it was 6 something PM. My mom, Lea-Ann, Jennifer (a church friend), and several nurses were all standing above me waiting for me to wake up. When I woke up, I could see they were wiping at their eyes and smiling. Jennifer held my hand with both of hers and kissed my knuckles with tears still in her eyes. Lea-Ann caressed my cheek and smiled with tear stained cheeks. My mom's bottom lip kept trembling as she had waited for everyone to move so she could hug and cling on to me, never wanting to let go. My nurses told me of how lucky I was to be alive as they would pat my head and smile at me. What are the results, if there are any now that I'm out of treatment center and hospital (if there are any)? Well, my stomach and liver are pretty messed up. And this shouldn't come as too much of a surprise, but I am offically allergic to Tylenol now. 

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