It's extraordinary how things can change within a few hours. One can break a bone, burn a house down, go from happy
, or go from mania
in a matter of moments. It has been a hectic 48 hours, at least since the last installment of the daynode
. It scares me how I'm starting to become more and more emotional, and how I depend on these few moments to speak my mind. Repressed
issues prevent it all from coming out person to person. I let my mind to allow itself some time to rest.
Yesterday, I went online and started chatting. Dawadeving
was still at my house and I saw my ex-girlfriend online. I was online as well and I thought I might as well chat with her. After he left, I went outside for a while and came back inside. I started talking to her for the longest time for about 3 years. Nostalgia
supercharged my body and I didn't want to sleep. That combined with the fact that I've been thinking about her lately doesn't really help. I ask how she is and I thought that she would simply say that she was, because it would be the polite thing to say and that was that. But she asked me whether I rather hear the honest or polite answer. That was shocking in every way possible but I couldn't resist knowing what was going on. Then she started going on about her boyfriend, who was my good friend
before. I sat here, paying attention to the diction of the words, the way that she was talking, whether it was casual or formal. Weird. As I said before, I think of the weirdest things at the weirdest times.
We talk online for about an hour, about her problems. Then, she started asking about me. I was speechless
but slowly, I found the words to tell her about recent developments in life. I was very subtle, at least was trying very hard to be. I guess the fact that someone understood the problems she had made her feel better. In some twisted sense of logic
, while I didn't really want to talk about it, the fact that I thought that it made her feel better let me continue on, even while opening fresh wounds
. While I do come online often to chat, I rather talk in person or at least on the phone and at that point, it was killing two birds with one stone. A cheap way out, I didn't think she would talk to me on the phone simply because I thought it would be more weird for her than it would be for me, so I told her that if she wanted to know to call my cell phone. To my surprise, she did.
. "Hello...". For the first time in years, I heard her voice, filled with sadness and doubt. It reminded me back in the years past when I hurt her so, when I forced her to leave me. I'm haunted with specters of tears, loud voices, and words that would never ever leave my mind. My first reaction was to ask her what was wrong with her, but she didn't want to talk about it and wanted to know what was wrong with me. I guess that it did make her feel better to at least to concentrate on something else rather than your problems. At least that's what I thought. We were always similar and I hope we still were. So for about an hour, I recollected the events of the past 3 odd years while trying to keep my composure.
Then, I asked her specifically what was wrong with her life. Whatever happens, I have always felt guilty for what I did and wanted to help. I was there to listen to her, even when it was to hear her talk about her boyfriend. We somehow drifted onto the subject of the "incident
" and I shuddered. I grew more and more silent and the horrific details flashed back. The pain
, the deceit
, the loss
and the aftermath
came back in waves and I fell to my knees. Beep
. I get another call. I ask her to wait. It was my good friend but I couldn't talk to her right now. I needed to know some answers so I told her to call me tomorrow. I come back and we started talking again.
We were asking questions that were meant to ask so long ago, getting answers that meant little now. She wanted to know why I did certain things and why I said certain things. Personally, I thought it was simply because I was young, brash and inexperienced. I don't know if she understood but I hope she did. Then I asked her my questions and realized that some of the problems she was having now was simply because she was so used to it from me. She even believed that it was karma
but I knew better. I needed to make her feel good again because I care. More importantly, I needed to make her feel good because I still love her now. She told me that I couldn't understand, and that she doesn't understand me. I didn't say anything until I realized my answer.
I explained that, yes, while there have been other women in my life, there has been no one like her. I loved her like no other. I'd loved many women in my young life, but have only been in love
once. There was a big difference, one that was very obvious to me. I dreamt about her sometime, and sometimes felt when she was sad. I couldn't do certain activities because it reminded
me of her. I found myself comparing other women to her and know that there was no comparison. I told her about how I remember the littlest details simply because it was with her. Most importantly, she was and still is the only woman I would die for and go back to if I had the chance to make the past better. I slowly realized at that point the value of not knowing what you have until its gone
. I lost my control over my emotions and started bawling
After a few moments of silence, I then remembered that nothing I would ever say now will ever change anything. The past is the past and to naively believe that things will okay simply because you believe in idealogies such as destiny
is stupid. Once again, I tried to revert back to my role in the beginning of our online conversation where I was simply a listener, not a talker. We talked until about 8:15 in the morning. I was tired for the previous two days due to work and working out. It was a tiring conversation, simply because I knew that I was giving her advice to stay with her boyfriend
when I wanted her to be with me. I clenched my fists and often hit my head, hoping to jolt it enough to believe it has been a dream
that would have a fairy tale ending where she would tell me that she still loved me and everything would be okay. Before we parted ways, I knew that we wouldn't talk online much or talk again. To me, even though she didn't need me, I wanted her to know that I was there for her. I loved her and still do. I wanted to feel needed. I told her that I was there if she needed me, wherever and whenever. Finally I went to sleep.
I dreamt about her and finally woke up to the ringing of the cell phone
. It's her again. She called me back. I thought I was dreaming. No. I wasn't. She was crying
. Again, I consoled her, at least I tried to. I tried to be objective but didn't succeed in any sense of the word. Finally, she left for lunch and I was left with a sense of nostalgia
once again. Painful nostalgia
. I knew then that she wouldn't call again. That just made it that much more painful
I stayed home until I picked up my sister. Rush hour is evil in Downtown Vancouver
. We went grocery shopping and ate out for food. I took a quick nap, and called Dawadeving
to come over and play some Elemental Gearbolt
and Point Blank 2
for the Playstation
. I didn't tell him what happened. He's one of two best friends and I couldn't tell him. Sort of weird when I can reveal this to the world but not to someone in person. I guess its easier that way. Afterwards, he went home and we played a game of Brood War
until about 4:30am.
Now I am here. Cross legged on my computer chair and a blanket over my shoulders, I listen to Noriko Sakai
. Mellow ballads, with themes about love. They're foreign language artists but you can tell from the melody. I even signed up for www.diaryland.com. I didn't go out to my balcony today. I was afraid that I would jump. I haven't felt this much pain from the past and present before. And now I have to deal with it, with limited options and no choices. I found myself praying again, to a celestial
being, hoping that he would help. I hope he/she listens. I have lost my way, and need to find my way home. May it be God
, let me know my path and let me walk it alone. With great sadness, I depart now. I will try to sleep. For each passing moment, the events of the past 24 hours will play in my mind. Again and again. Let me be strong. Let me be wise. Let me sleep in peace...