I wrote this letter to a cousin who was trying to choose between majoring in religion, sociology, psychology, or English. I thought she should major in English Lit. I recently found a copy of the letter.

Major in English. Reasons to choose English Lit:

  1. You already know how to speak and read it.
  2. Unlike Religion and Sociology, you'll often have answers to questions.
  3. New ways to cuss at people.
  4. Do you really want to know why people are fucked up? Isn't that like taking a microscope into a porto-potty?
  5. Historical basis for drinking a bottle of whiskey before you start writing.
  6. English major keeps you far the fuck away from Catholic priests.
  7. You don't really want to study religion, you just want to come to class drunk and shout explicatives at fundamentalists.
  8. English majors have a better chance at getting a good job than Sociology or Religion majors. (actually not true, I just can't think of reason number 8; if you pretend #8 makes sense, I'll believe you)
  9. Psychology majors are all fucking batshit. So are Religion majors, but at least they see god when they're crazy.
  10. Seriously though, those Sociologist fuckers are crazy too. I know a sociology major who's always fucking babbling. Do you want to sit in a class full of fucking babblers? (If you've taken any religion classes, you may already know how much the big beard in the sky hates Babble)

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