There isn't much to be said about redundancy
lately, except that it isn't fun to be experiencing. Depression
that can't be shrugged off, fatigue
that can't be rested off, and boredom
that can't be blown off with even the help of great friends
. Clenching my fist tightly, my fingernails start making crescent moon shaped marks in my palm. I let the pressure loose, and let the blood rush back. Frustrating
would be an understatement but hopeless
would be an overstatement
. To live knowing that what you need is in the hands of other people, is not particularly pleasant
. It feels like a root canal
but without the anaesthetic.
Sleeping roughly, I dream dark dreams once again. At least I don't remember the exact details anymore. I knew it was disturbing but I don't ask questions anymore. I wake up, sweating, with my blanket scrunched against my body. I place my glasses on my face, and get up. After the typical morning
bathroom habits, I get ready for work. Late waking up I guess. People are already celebrating their Good Friday
with their loved ones while I'm still asleep. I don't mind but I guess it isn't very efficient
. Off to Ikea
to earn some money.
Time and a half. Not bad for the day's salary I guess. 6 hours instead of 4. Same work, more money. Not my fault I didn't work harder. Its not in the bloody contract
. It seemed to drag the whole day today, but I didn't mind. An occupied mind isn't a bored mind I presume. My co-worker started folding up my already folded up uniform. She was like "I wanted to show off his muscles". Hmm. Don't know whether it was a compliment or an insult. I don't say much. Just keep smiling and walking away. Thats right. Smile. Makes me feel so damn dirty. I'm such a pawn to common courtesy and politeness. We finish early, only for them to offer a cigarette
. It has been a while but I guess I knew better. Its best to quit even before you start. Thats my motto for a lot of things. Smoking. School. Love. Blargh. I go home.
I get picked up by my mom, sister and her friend
Jean. Since my sister is gone off to San Fransisco
, I'm the one to be the fourth for their Mahjong
game. That's why they picked me up because they knew I wouldn't say no to Jean. It would be rude. No no no. I can't be rude
now. I get more and more pathetic.
I feel like one of the forsaken
, often forgotten, often neglected, always abused
. I lose a life altering 12 cents in the game. I wasn't paying attention. I rather not have been home anyways. MrFurious
and friends were out and I wasn't able to be there. Disappointed but hopefully won't be the last time. Game over. Time for some DDR
. What else can a guy do? Be consistent. I come home.
blew, due to lack of concentration due to unable to multitask properly. Phone calls and a tense game is a bad idea. Now, after talking on the phone for about four hours, I hang up. I don't say much. My lips are dry, and so is my tongue. Besides, too much SES
and Baby V.O.X.
for me today.
I sit here, alone. I tread on shallow waters, wade in the cold waters of destiny
. Let it guide me to where I am to go. I don't believe in destiny
but let it exist when I need it to. Let my faults and mistakes be because of this unknown force. Slowly, I place my head under its waters, and drink. I feel the knowledge come into my mind, and feel the life being drained out. Let me know all that I need. I've had all of life that I can handle.
Blink slowly as life may pass you by. Breathe slowly as the love of your life may have passed you by. Listen carefully as the words of intelligence may come to you when you do not expect it. Speak lightly as someone might be listening. Feel all as you may learn from pain. Life slowly, so you can understand all. Finally, die quickly, so you'll have more of eternity to understand why life is precious and why its unfair.