It feels like this feeling isn't going away. Not for a while at least. I'm starting to talk to myself now. I feel like no one wants to listen, but in truth I just don't allow it. Knowing the truth and changing the truth are two separate
matters in their own right. I give my all, and all I want to take control of my life again, but I can't, simply because I can't handle it. I guess its hard to understand, maybe harder to swallow, that I'm not man enough
to be the man I want to become.
I shrug at the thought, yet I can't really do much about it. I'm as much of a whiner
as the next person. I take a deep breath, and exhale slowly. Then I start thinking once again, and slowly contemplate
life's little matters.
final skipped again today. Of course I don't go but I leave my house as if I did. I lied
. What else can I do? Face the truth? Finally, I understand how sniveling I can be. So I leave my house and go to the Bridgeport McDonald's
. After their tasty extra value meal
, I get a phone call. Hello
. "Hey." I shudder. The conversation gets nowhere and I just get more frustrated, only to discover her at my house. A pleasure and a pain all in one, a person that I wish to let go but cannot. I nod slowly, hoping that she doesn't see, and she runs and hugs me. Holding back, I slowly move towards the door, with her holding onto my left wrist. I don't say much, actually, nothing, on the way up to the third floor. I twist the key, and enter inside. She follows behind me. I take off my shoes, and in turn, she does as well. I hide them just in case someone comes home. I'm paranoid
. I always thought that when it comes to her, no one must meet her but me. She's always been mine, and mine alone.
We talk, but after a while, I get fed up with the topic and go take a nap. I wasn't very courteous but I had to sleep or I would say something I would regret. Not the act of a gentleman
but I hope noble enough. I start my slumber quickly, and for once, fall asleep quickly. Maybe its because I'm tired. But I think its because she was embracing me while I slept. I loved it but knew better. But couldn't handle it anymore. Slowly, I descended to sleep.
A while later, I hear the locked door creaking. At first, I thought that my sister
came home, and opened the door, but I realized that the door is locked from the inside. I slowly walk down the hallway, and she was just coming back inside. I guess I missed her already. Peculiar
. I left the scandisk
on. Why not anymore? Then MrFurious
tells me that he knows she's here. Infuriated, I don't say much and I go back inside the room. I can't scream, as my sister
was actually home. She followed quickly, and grasps my hand. No words were exchanged but the message was clear. I felt violated, abused, and invaded. I speak no more. She gave me a gentle kiss, and explained. I listened intently, as I always have. She could tell me that the world was coming to an end, but only through her voice could it have meaning. How pathetic
. I hide under my blanket and go back to sleep.
. The alarm goes off. Right in the middle of a nice nightmare
too. Time to get ready for work. She wasn't there anymore. I miss her already. I'm such a fool
. Always a fool
and nothing more. As I iron my Ikea
uniform, I could still smell her perfume on my shirt. I think slowly, and surely. I head off to work before I start crying
. I've been listening to too much damn Brian McKnight
Work was a breeze but boring as hell. Nothing else much happens at work. Answer dumb questions. Clean up messes people are too lazy to clean themselves. But it okay. Its retail
. What else can I do? People start making fun of the way that I'm not wearing glasses. It annoyed the stuffing out of me but thats okay. I'll get them while they're sleeping. Or in the parking lot. With my car.
I come home
. I hear noises, voices and television
. Damn CSI
. I hate that bloody show. An hour later, I go out for my walk. I was gonna drown my sorrows in a one liter bottle of chocolate milk. But I left my wallet at home. Stupidity has hit me once again. Then I meet with MrFurious
and his buddy. We go to the arcade and pool. While playing, I get a phone call. I told her to call me back later but even now, she still hasn't. I guess I scared her off. Or maybe its my phone breath.
I go. Winamp
on, playing "Purest of Pain" by Son By Four
. I decided to play some Starcraft
. After a long game dominated by Carriers
and Nuclear Missiles
, I get off Battlenet
. The whole time, I was on the phone, trying to make it seem like I'm trying to play. I was, but to no avail. Now I'm here, again.
Bring me back my fantasy. It repeats back and forth in my mind. I quickly take a deep breath outside, smelling that smell that you can only get after spring rain. The air that I breathe, invigorating, caused me to close my eyes. I remember the song, even in spanish. I guess taking spanish in high school is good. I play it in my mind, along with an image. Of her. Why do I torture myself so? I don't know. With the wind blowing towards the east, I slowly close the window, and step back into the darkness.
I fought it as hard as I could and I won. I fought temptation and logic
won. But why does it feel like I lost? It hurts so deeply, like a knife wound. Words spoken today echoed in my mind. "Forever". "Eternity". "Love". I try to let go but I can't. How does one take away part of life that is imbedded there? No longer is life simple, nor can it be considered content by my mind. I try not to let it so, but I have no choice. Here, in the darkness, alone, I hold my hands together and whisper gentle words. I pray, slowly, hoping that someone will listen. If they won't listen out of kindness, let them listen out of pity. I no longer know the difference.
You made the dark go away for today, even for a moment. I can't be in the light for long, as you can't stay in the dark as well. Have no fear. When the time comes, there will be no longer any darkness or light. There will simply be a purgatory
, where neither happiness nor sadness exist. Hold out your hand. I will find you. Trust me.