There's this guy I like. Who is also my friend. I really like him a lot, and I'm scared to death of what havoc he could wreak in my life, whether he likes me back or not.

He terrifies me because of how far he has gotten inside the camp of my main defenses and how little I became aware of it. What terrifies me more is the possibility that he may have done this without really wanting to. As though it's something fun and recreational to do, playing with my heart. And all the time I can't really blame him or get mad at him. After all, I granted him passage.

He makes me second think my words, regret my statements, feel the least confident about my validity. With him I am the least sure.

I'm sure love does not feel like this, but maybe a crush does. It's been so long, I've all but forgotten.

And yet, for the first time in a while, I feel alive.

I had one of my twice-yearly dental appointments today; it's my last one before gittin' out o' Dodge, so it was disappointing to not have Linda, who normally does my teeth, there - she's off on sick leave. But her absence also meant I didn't have to sheepishly confess that I hadn't been flossing as often as I should - I promised her I would floss three times a week, but I have dropped off to as little as three times a month on occasion. As always, my most diligent flossing has come during the week of my appointment.

The PA at the dental office had a local Lite Foo radio station on, a welcome change from the identikit country station that was on last time (see: October 7, 1999), but not as good as the oldies station that I'm used to hearing there. But it burbled quietly in the background, and I settled into my usual zen-like calm, even if Linda wasn't there. I just lay back in the chair motionless, save those times I was told to tilt my head this way or that, motionless, as a charming woman poked, prodded, and scraped on my teeth and gums with precision instruments. It's not as good as a dose of nitrous, but there's a special feeling in the stillness and calm.

The lack of flossing hasn't been a problem yet; my gums are fine. But there may be the beginnings of cavities in my front teeth, and that scares me more than the distant potential of gum problems due to lack of flossing. As usual, I received my free toothbrush and floss upon my exit. I think they will both be used with increasing frequency in the future.

Today more ridiculous scrambling. A very important page had to be edited by yours truly, in time for a TV broadcast at 1400.

I wrote, I edited, I lashed together a new and improved HTML form. But it was useless: my boss, exhibiting new and worrysome traits of pointyhairedness decided during the broadcast that the page would not be shown after all. Fuck it.

I got a 10% salary raise, which is slightly below inflation but better than being kicked in the balls.

The dorks that give us certain computing services seem to be unable to fathom the misteries of account management. They have about a half million dollar worth of hardware, and two dollars worth of brains. Typical of Mexico, if I may say so.

The day I stopped by work to get my last paycheck, a few weeks ago, I got a ex co-worker's phone number. Tommorrow I'm going to Six Flags for school. So is she (she goes to a different school and I do not see her much.)

Throughout the conversations we had she would flirt with me but I would not bite. She hinted for me to ask her to prom but I did not. Where I am in my life, a good friend is more valuable to me than a relationship.

She is someone I enjoy talking to. We have had good conversations, at least I thought so. Six Flags is tommorrow and the last time we talked about it was last week, with a vague "I'll see you there." She has not called me in the past 5 or 6 days. I am sure she has seen my # on her caller ID a couple of those days.

I am being ignored because she was not interested in me as a friend, only as a boyfriend.

This was the day after I proposed to my fiance, which also happened to be the day after her birthday. That day was filled with euphoric giddiness being congratulated by everyone at work and having family and friends call to wish us the best. We had been talking about it since we were together because we instantly knew we were soulmates. However, just saying we were engaged freaked us both out in the most wonderful way. It has been several months since the, but even now when I think about it I get the same goosebumbs I had that next day and knowing my true love will be my wife.

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