I said "let's get drunk and break things!" because that's what being in therapy makes me want to do. Asking her to get drunk and break things with me though, was analogous to making a list of everything I was wearing that day and posting it on my refridgerator for future use; I knew full well what would happen, I just didn't want to admit it. She looked at me with this demonic intensity, because she is as angry as me, and she said "you're a bad influence on me," all coy like, so I wanted to kiss her.

Back up. I'm not in love with her, and I never was. Infatuated? Yes. In my disfunctional way, I wanted her around all the time, dreamed about her, the whole universe seemed suddenly to be concentrated on her body, on herself, nothing meant anything except in the context of her. This was an immensly healthy state of affairs, especially in light of her having a fabulous new girlfriend. It lead to conversations in which she would say deeply evil things like "Don't worry, I'm sure at some point you'll find someone who appreciates your cleavage as much as me... if that's even possible."

It lead to my being alternately angry at myself, at her, at God, at fate, at myself, etc. I was ready to boycott the world, break myself on sharp rocks, run around screaming 'till my heart burst from exaustion. A mess, and I take full responsibility for objectifying her silly and not letting go of the idea that she and I could be together despite the fact that she was in a functional relationship and seriously happy. I give her the responsibility of leading me on, consciously or unconsciously for a week overlapping two separate girlfriends, for fucking me without considering how I would take it, and generally being a fucking tease about it afterwards.

So then, there we were, and I had the brilliant idea that we should get drunk and break shit. We split a twelve-pack of Labatts and despite having 12 empty glass bottles at the end of the night and maybe a little sexual tension, we decided, fuck the bottles, we'd break each other. Only with words, because damn it all, we were just a couple of girls.

Hours later I realized how alegorical the scene must have looked. We both had on t-shirts that labeled the part we were to play in the ensuing bullshit melodramatic dialogue: My t-shirt said "Psycho". Hers said "Playboy". No shit. Truth is stranger than fiction.

So I'll skip the parts where I would make a harmless comment and she'd turn it around to attack me, I'll skip the part about my asking her to kill me, and cut to the part that I can't forget. The part where I told her what I actually believe, that we had sex in the first place just because. Because she wanted to break away from her girlfriend and I was a good excuse, because she felt like it at the time, because she enjoyed seeing me helpless. Because she wanted to make everything go her way regardless of how I felt. I had that feeling all along, but that was the first I'd mentioned it. She just kept changing the rules according to her convenience. At first that made sense, she had a girlfriend and I was single and if she couldn't bring herself to leave that relationship for me then fine. But I didn't want to be a convenient fuck. I've been there, and it leads to situations like this one (where you feel like you're not sure who to kill first...). When she left her girlfriend I thought (naively) that I had a chance, but she swapped me out with someone else before I knew what was happening. So I told her what I'd been thinking all this time, and it's only my side of what was going on, and I have absolutely no claim to her affections, but there's no way around my feeling used.

So I said my piece and left. She followed me to the stairs and dragged me back into her room by the collar.

"How could you say that!?"

She raged at me, and I couldn't look her in the face as she punched the wall beside it and slammed the closet and I barely had the voice to say "Because it's true," and she finally let me go because we were both wasted and I couldn't look at her or speak.

At the time, the pitch and anger in her voice sounded to me like a confirmation of the worst of my suspicions. Like she'd planned it all, or at least acted consciously like a fucking todler, trying to force everything work her way. Looking back on the scene though, I identify with her. I've alienated people I genuinely care about and used them in similar ways totally unconsciously and there is nothing in the world more horrifying than coming to your senses and realizing that you've fucking done it again. I wonder how much she meant to hurt me and how much she actually liked me but didn't know exactly how to express or deal with it. The only trouble is I think it would kill me to find out.

Today I recieved my 1st E2 postcard !! Ahh the heady thrill, the rush of power, the joy filled moment! Someone out there IS real.

Thanks Segnbora-t you've truely made my day - week actually!

WEDNESDAY
April 3
Turned 21. Did nothing but cry and cut and argue with my family.

THUSDAY
April 4
Went to the library, and tried to get a way to the John Mayer concert. A friend from high school agreed to take me and my mom then decided to be a total bitch and wouldn't let me leave the house. She said "I didn't think anyone was stupid enough to help you!" I cried alot and cut.

FRIDAY
April 5
Ran errands. Packed. Went to airport. Ate McDonald's chicken mcnuggets. Flew to Vegas. The plane left at like 9pmish. Got to Las Vegas. Played some slots. Waited 2 hours while mom and step dad realized they lost our reservation papers for rental car and hotel room. Waited and waited and waited. Sat with bags holding my talking Larry the Cucumber doll, rocking back and forth talking to myself. Finally they came back and we caught a bus to the rent a car place. Drove to Stateline. Found our rooms at Wiskey Pete's hotel. Drank a little alcohol. Played slots til 4am. Cut myself with broken glass. SATURDAY
April 6
Left hotel about 10am. I think we had the breakast buffet at wiskey pete's. Then we drove to vegas. Stopped and bought a camera that we only use for like 4 pictuerss the whole weekend. Went to the Hilton. Played the slots at the SpaceQuest casino. Won $100 on a quarter machine. Had too many pina coladas (like 6) so started ordering fuzzy navals (had like 5 there). Called Ed from a bathroom. Was kinda drunk. Went to some other casinos. Went to M&M's world and the coca-cola store. Both are huge gift shops. Gambled in several casinos all day. Ate at Ceasar's Palace buffet. For dinner we went to Dominos pizza. Eventually drove back to stateline. Got to bed about 4am

Sunday
April 7
Drank some more. (Had to get rid of the hangover some how) Gambled some more. Don't remember most of it. Irish surprise! Won $240 on megabucks after putting in $21. Played the tables and won some money there too. Saw the Dr. Naughty hypnotist show. Slapped a dick around ;) Got to be 5. Kept the hat and the blower thingys. (pervs! they're party favors!) during the show. Went to some more casinos. Went to Hard Rock. Cool displays but lost a lot of money there. Eventually drove back to stateline and crashed about 3am after cutting a bit more.

MONDAY
April 8
Gambled a little. Went to worlds largest gift shop to buy the kids and grandma suvineers. Returned rental car. Went to airport. Walked like a mile to find mozzerala sticks at the airport. Gambled a little. Drunk a little. Flew home. Mom turned back in to nasty mom. Went home. Went to grandma's to give the kids and gramma stuff we bought them. Went to Sizzler. Had seeds and cheese. Went home. Slept. Fought. Cut.

TUESDAY
April 9
Took little sister to library. Bought the kids fast food. Took sister to girl scouts. Cut a little.

WEDNESDAY
April 10
Typed up this silly thing. Talked to some people online. Thought about how to get myself some alchohol without my mom finding out. Picked up the kids from school and took them home. Came back to the library. Tried not to cry in public.

The aim of the Cheesecake Challenge is to legitimately work the word "cheesecake" into as many of your exam scripts as possible.

Major public exams, such as GCSEs or A-Levels or SATs, are always such a drag. Boring, lengthy, stressful. How can you relieve your tensions during the exam without bothering your fellow examinees? Simple. Amuse yourself, by taking up the Cheesecake Challenge.

Obviously, it's easier in some exam subjects than others. History? "Let them eat cheesecake." Mathematics? "Consider a circular object (such as a cheesecake)." Biology? "Sugary foods, such as cheesecakes..." You get the idea. Be creative and there's no limit to how many scripts you can score on. In Philosophy you might even be able to get away with simply writing the word "Cheesecake" as your entire answer, depending on how philosophically-minded the examiner is. "'Cheesecake'... that's deep." For art? Consider attempting to pass off a single genuine cheesecake as one of your pieces of work.

A few extra rules: just writing the word "cheesecake" in some unnoticed corner of your script or on the back page doesn't count. "Cheesecake" must form part of your answer to a question. Also, only do it once per exam. Any more than once, and the examiner might catch on and take off marks. Or you might end up devoting more time to the Challenge than actually answering questions, thereby losing more marks.

Words other than "cheesecake" are perfectly acceptable provided that they are exotic enough to present a challenge. Other suggestions include "jellyfish", "turquoise", "lugubrious" and "Everything2".

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