Beating predictions, scientists at the CERN in Switzerland have not managed to discover the so-called "God Particle" via the Large Hadron Collider. But in the course of their research, they discovered something that might make an even more powerful impact on science: the anecdote.
According to Jean-Paul Fontane, a scientist at the institute, a series of experiments into nucleus elasticity were outside of theoretical perimeters. A man mentioned that perhaps nuclei were not as strong as they were thought to be, comparing it to a time when he had run into a seemingly strong tree in his bicycle, only to have it fall down, leaving him uninjured. After this revelation, a flurry of activity came about as scientists threw down their pens, papers, keyboards, and algorithms, and tried to think of funny stories about the unexpected that could redefine the basic laws of physics. For example, Newtonian gravitation, once thought of as useful for explaining the behavior of almost all interactions between large bodies in the universe, has been rigorously critiqued due to visiting English scientist Nigel Blackthorpe-Whytton's Aunt Mabel once falling out of a second story balcony without a scratch.
Scientists being prone to physics envy, the discovery of this new form of information, the "Anecdote", has quickly spread to other disciplines, seemingly overnight. Scientists at Johns Hopkins, after several years perfecting a multidisciplinary approach to the biochemical mechanism of tobacco carcinogens and its relation to a metastudy of known research, made a press release this morning apologizing for the time and money they have wasted when it is evidentially clear that this guy named Joe was smoking a pack a day and was, like, 75.
Science isn't the only institution to be transformed by the new discovery. The world of politics and policy quickly followed its lead.
"For years, the hard-working American people have had to deal with the ivory tower elitism of 'policy makers', because we had no other choice" said Senator Henry Cabot Stevenson D-OH "but now that we know that we can rely on these 'anecdotes', the government can bypass those bloated bureaucrats and just act on the first story someone tells us.
Others worry that the world of politics will corrupt the scientific use of anecdotes. In the open world of science, an anecdote from anyone carries equal weight. However, in politics, there is some fear that only anecdotes told by --- or featuring certain people will be acted on, especially if those people are Swedish grandparents who came to this country with one shoe, paraplegic Eagle Scouts
, or winsome, wholesome blond girls.
An even greater fear is what science might be capable with a new, more efficient manner of discovering truths. What super weapons or diseases could be unleashed with scientists working with the new skeleton key to nature that is the anecdote? These fears are even more augmented because there are rumors of an even more powerful method of research, which various superpowers are now rushing to be the first to acquire. Although it is shrouded in rumor, this method is known as "this one thing my brother-in-law told me".