user since
Fri Sep 28 2001 at 07:15:12 (22.6 years ago )
last seen
Tue Nov 26 2019 at 06:00:37 (4.4 years ago )
number of write-ups
9 - View Andux's writeups (feed)
level / experience
1 (Novice) / 185
mission drive within everything
to dominate the subversive paradigm
specialties
being deliberately odd
motto
Engrish is a riving ranguage.
most recent writeup
The Hunt for Red October
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Snippets of Random Semihumorous Crap

Brought to you in part by Slashdot.

– — –

"you can't use a laser pointer to excercise your cat without paying royalties!"

"HA! I'd like to see them extract royalties while I exercise my cat on Sealand!"

– — –

"My television has television written on it. Same with my broom."

"Your broom has 'television' written on it? Weird."

– — –

"I don't care if the terrorists are white, black, male, female, Muslim, Jewish, Christian, or a group of nice old ladies who meet after church every sunday to drink tea and discuss their gardens"

– — –

"Why is it that you are more prone to beleiving what bin Laden and the Taliban are saying
rather than your own fucking government?"

"Could it have something to do with the fucking part?"

"Hey, if my government is fucking, I want in!"

– — –

"Just wear a pizza delivery shirt and carry a big red bag.. Never fails, everyone trusts the pizza guy.."

"Nope, this trick won't work everywhere. At a bank where I used to work, standard procedures for such a case would be that the pizza guy left the pizza at the security guy, who then called the guy who ordered it to come down and pick it up."

"The answer is obvious: You just have to disguise yourself as the pizza."

– — –

"The trick is to embed your data within a blockbuster film, as the film industry will then preserve it and imprint it on each decade's preferred media."

"Oh, that's what all the code in the Matrix was. Someone's porn collection."

– — –

"i've heard that the only way to be sure that your data can't be recovered is to physically destroy the hard drive, i.e. by smashing it into little bits and tossing it into the ocean."

"What a blatant exaggeration! You don't need to toss it into the ocean.
Certainly a lake or even a small pond will do."

– — –

"President Mitnick's first official act was to pardon everyone who had anything to do with his unexpected landslide victory."

– — –

"Has anyone checked the back doors at Andover?"

"According to rumor, Andover doesn't have any backdoors. They needed to sell them for their metal content, to stay solvent enough to keep /. up and, well, not really running, but limping along enthusiastically."

– — –

"Kids will find their way through it in about, oh, 8 nanoseconds."

"You are incorrect. A single neuron can't even fire in 8 nanoseconds."

– — –

"In other news, Intel will be holding a decryption contest.
The winner will be presented with a fine of up to $150,000!"

– — –

"Perhaps if you all move out of the USA your government will correct the DMCA."

"You're just trying to recruit new members for Belgium, aren't you? Sneaky."

– — –

"Always knew it was no coincidence those galaxies look like shurikens. It's those damn supra-galactic space ninjas, that's what it is."

– — –

"As I understand it, Swiss banks will conceal funds derived from activity not in contravention of Swiss law, which is great for tax evasion (which the Swiss apparently consider a sport or a religion or something)"

– — –

"What about all these "smart missiles" that the military has? They fly to their target and blow themselves up. Doesn't sound too smart to me.

"A truly smart missile would settle down, start playing the stock market, etc., when released."

– — –

"Are you kidding? Killing off Congress would be one of the least effective ways to hurt America. Foriegn enemies want Congress where it can do the most harm, and that's right where it is, in office."

– — –

"I love Dick Cheney. He's like the abusive drunken uncle I never had."

– — –

"Is there anything more annoying than a housemate's cats?"

"Well, there's you, right off the top of my head..."

"What's he doing on the top of your head?"

"The backstroke?"

– — –

"Funny how I can become a militant fascist just by holding a valid opinion.
Just imagine what I would be if I were to make a sandwich or something."

– — –

"This wasn't funny. Funny would've been a 4 assed goatse.cx"

"How many asses do you have?"

"I'm a rich peasant, and have two asses, and four cows."

– — –

"Ah, I see. Corporations are helping us to reach Nirvana by not allowing us to own property.
They figure if we simply license everything, we won't own it and all of us will become Zen masters with no attachment to the physical world.... and here we are, all thinking that this is some scheme to gain power and extort more money from the hapless masses. Dammit, I knew corporations had the good of humanity in mind all along."

– — –

"I may live in Alameda, CA but I speak the Queen's English and in the Queen's English it's "shit off a shovel" - though I confess I've never heard her actually say that."

– — –

"Nature abhors a vacuum because nature is a lazy bitch who doesn't like to clean. (She makes a mean lasagna though)"

– — –

"There's a great piece about news addiction in the Washington Post."

– — –

"I'm not worried about pigeon bits all over the ground, I'm worried about pigeon bits all over *me*. Imagine going out on a date (yeah, it's a stretch, at least in my case) and you're walking in the moonlight and *splllaaaaattttt*, you both get pigeoned."

– — –

"Color me pissed off."

"::Looks in crayola box:: I don't have "Pissed Off".. How's about Maroon?"

– — –

"As my EM prof put it - putting tin-foil into your microwave turns it into a spark plug, and god help you if the sparks strike any explosive elements."

"Thank goodness you posted that. I've been storing gasoline in my microwave for years thinking it was safe."

– — –

"So how long until we get transparent aluminium?"

"It's already here, you just can't see it."

– — –

"My next door neighbor's name is James T. Cork. No joke. The guy's 80. Every time I see him I say, 'What's up, Cap'n,' and he says, everytime, 'I was a sargeant in the Army,' like I just said it for the first time. The house on my other side is for sale. The Realtor: Ernie Conn. I want Cork to come out one time and yell, 'CONNNNNNN!'"

– — –

"Did you have a point to make?"

"Here it is: ."

Driven to despair by his fruitless attempts to understand the Universe, the sage Devadasa finally announced in exasperation

ALL STATEMENTS THAT CONTAIN THE WORD GOD ARE FALSE.

Instantly, his least-favourite disciple Somasiri replied "The sentence I am now speaking contains the word God. I fail to see, Oh Noble Master, how that simple statement can be false."

Devadasa considered the matter for several Poyas. Then he answered, this time with apparent satisfaction:

ONLY STATEMENTS THAT DO NOT CONTAIN THE WORD GOD CAN BE TRUE.

After a pause barely sufficient for a starving mongoose to swallow a millet seed, Somasiri replied: "If this statement applies to itself, Oh Venerable One, it cannot be true, because it contains the word God. But if it is not true —"

At this point, Devadasa broke his begging-bowl upon Somasiri's head, and should therefore be honoured as the true founder of Zen.

—The Fountains of Paradise

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