And that's why I won't have sex with you

I agree sex between two consenting adults is fun. In my not always humble opinion, sex can be so much more then just fun though. It seems everywhere I look people accuse and rant about Puritanical influences ruining the fun of sex or rather influencing many people to not engage in sex for fun. I'm not saying these influences don't exist, or that I myself have not felt their hold over my opinions of sex. I would like to suggest though that these influences seem to hold little sway over the general population.

The Free Love Era pretty much took care of that. I can only think of a few people who are not over the age of 30 and are of age to be having sex that have chosen to wait until they are married to have sex. Do these people lack the notion of fun, have they been brainwashed? I submit that no, this is not the case for many of them. The few virgins or people who are saving themselves for marriage that I have talked to, have thoughtfully and painstakingly made a deliberate choice based on their own personal beliefs. It's not that they are afraid of a good time, or that some church manufactured propaganda holds them in bondage. These are the brave ones, the ones who are willing to miss out on bodily instant gratification in search of something better. Their not afraid that if they don't nail everything that moves that they might be missing out on the hottest sex ever. Their willing to stake a few missed opportunities on the premise that sex between two married souls has more meaning, will be more open and honest if they share their sex only with each other. What is wrong with that?

I myself made the conscious choice at 16 to give up that right, opting for "fun" and experience. There are times when I wish I had not taken that path. It's not that I feel overly guilty or doomed to hell for my actions. Sometimes I feel like I missed out on something very special by choosing instant gratification over waiting for someone I truly trusted and loved. These times when I think about sex as something more then just fun, I realize that I missed a golden opportunity, the ultimate experience in gratification. The union between two people totally willing to share themselves with only each other for the rest of their lives have something very special and dear that I will never truly know. I say that because I have carnal knowledge of others so my future experiences will always have some sort of foundation laid down by others that I have been with.

I can't ever go back and wipe the slate clean. I can live with that though, I not going to hide my head in the sand and wish my sex life away because I have made some poor choices in my life. I have begun to come to terms with my own Puritanical background and my choices to ignore it. I'm not sure of all of my feelings on the subject, I don't know if I ever will have a clear and concise opinion on all of the differing facets of sexual relations.

There are a few things that I am fairly certain I do have a solid opinion on though. These opinions are subject to change but for now they work for me. First of all what someone else decides is right for them is fine by me, we are all individuals and so have individual needs and desires. Who am I to try and force or coerce my own ideas on them? If they ask or want to know my opinions I'll gladly share them with them but I will not condemn someone for not holding the same opinions as myself.

Secondly I feel as though casual sex for me can only occur under certain circumstances. These would include some sort of agreement between me and my partner that neither of us would hold the other one to any sort of long lasting, or more in depth meaning in our relationship. Meaning that we agreed to be intimate, passionate but wouldn't expect that to mean we were going to spend the rest of our life together or any such commitment. It'd also have to be understood that indeed the relationship would change. I feel that no matter how I might like to think sex is just sex it just simply isn't true for me. I feel some sort of connection to every man I have ever been with. Not necessarily a deep or profound connection but in every case our relationship changed slightly or in some cases dramatically because we'd had sex. Another definite requirement would be precautions against disease and pregnancy. This is a major step in casual sex that I have always previously ignored. In retrospect I consider myself lucky that I'm not diseased or worse simply because I was too impatient for sexual release. All of these stipulations require discussing in depth with the casual partner, which suggests to me it wouldn't be so casual after all. For myself trust is a big part of sex, so I doubt I could just go to bed with any stranger. One night stands have never appealed to me, I've tried them. In my experience I suck at casual sex, I crave more.

Intimate sex between myself and the one I love is what I long for and need. A long lasting, in-depth relationship accompanied by sweet physical love. This is what turns me on most. The idea of surrendering my body to one and only one man, maybe not in marriage but in a monogamous relationship where both parties intend to make a go for the long haul. Once again this would need to be deliberate and discussed before we began our oddessy.

Am I selfish to put these types of requirements on myself and my partner? You bet I am, it's a matter of pride and knowing what I want for my own body. I can no longer just brush off the intimacy that sex invokes in me. I seem to have out grown the want for instant gratification with the first man that walks into my life, just because I can have it. I desire so much more and know that I deserve to be respected for my own beliefs, desires and needs. If this makes me a prude or beyond being able to just have sex for fun then so be it. It's my body my choice, right?

I happen to be married to a man I no longer love, trust or desire. This makes sex an awkward proposition for me most of the time. Once again those old church bound beliefs come into play in my life. I was raised to be a submissive and pleasing wife. For years I struggled with this in my marriage. As a wife I felt it was my duty to do as my husband asked in the bedroom and elsewhere. Over time however I have come to realize that God the one whom I put my faith in never intended for me to be sad , hurt or angry during sex or because of it. Simply because I'm married does not mean I have to only consider my husbands desires and needs. I am allowed to have feelings and desires all my own too. Unfortunately this means that my husband and I don't always agree when it comes to what should and shouldn't happen behind closed doors. I think perhaps more then anything though our discord comes form the rest of our marriage and not from our sexual preferences. Our conflicts however definitely effect our bedroom experiences.

At present time I can not find it within myself to even engage in casual sex. I have tried, but I find sex between us tends to only confuse what is really going on between us. Yeah, sex is fun and feels great and there are times when my sexual tensions go above and beyond what I can do for myself. Those times I've gone to him saying we might try to have sex just for the sake of sex. He being one that considers sex a major part of his life always agrees. I find though that afterwards he suddenly thinks all is well between us, and I'm hurting inside because I feel as though I didn't make the right decision. So there we are back at square one where I have to explain to him that I still don't love him, nor do I particularly want him to kiss me, hold me even touch me most of the time. Confused? I sure as hell am.

My husband even though he professes to be able to have sex without requiring more of me really needs and desire more as an outcome from hot sex just as I do. I know for myself at least that kind of intimacy is a long ways a way in our relationship, if at all possible. I feel guilty at not being able to ease his sexual frustrations and my own, we are after all married and are supposed to be able to easily and joyfully be able to fulfill these needs. I know I have failed him in many ways, I can not be the woman he wants anymore then he can be the man I want to be with. Our mutual failure is a painfully difficult reality we are slowly beginning to understand and deal with. I don't know if we will ever find a common ground to stand on again, or if we will continue to try sometimes to find a way to have a sexual relationship without needing more form each other. I guess this is a mystery of life that only time will give us the answer to.

For the moment though I do know it would be wrong for me and my needs to cave in to my bodies craving for sex just for the sake of sex. I'm a complex woman with complex needs. Right now I have to follow my heart, stay true to what feels right for myself. I can no longer just ignore the selfish woman who wants that deeper connection with whomever I choose to be intimate with. Until there is a time where I feel comfortable, all of my being knowing that the moment is right for me to let loose my sexual beast I intend to keep it on a very short leash. I no longer wish to let sex be a confusing and emotionally draining, painful experience just for the sake of feeling physically good for awhile. There's too much emotional baggage, and a higher internal price for me to pay.

...and that's why I won't have sex with you