A lowest common denominator type of cheeese (even calling it cheese is being generous). American cheese is a highly processed petroleum product, an embodiment of the ideal "better living through chemistry." It's also cheap. Velveeta is a trademarked version of the american cheese produced by Kraft.

I hate american cheese.

The whole concept is, quite frankly, disturbing to me. That the most powerful nation on earth should represented by this poor excuse for a dairy product is scary. Where's our pride? Where's the American spirit? If you want to know why the rest of the world doesn't quake in their boots at the mere mention of the US of A, it's because they've tried our cheese.

Who decided which cheese gets to bear the name American Cheese, anyway? Was there a vote? If there was, I demand a recount. Was Colby even on the ballot? What about Monterey Jack. And what's the deal with Swiss Cheese? Why the hell do the Swiss have such a great cheese named after them? Did you know that the majority of Swiss cheese in the world is produced in the United States? Let them make their own damn cheese!

Other countries don't have cheeses named after them. There's no French cheese, or Italian cheese, or Canadian cheese, unless you count Jim Carrey. So who's the guy who woke up one morning and said, "Hey, America needs a cheese. I'm gonna make that cheese for my country, and I'm gonna do it using as few natural products as possible." I'm don't know for sure who this person was, but I'm betting his last name was Kraft. I'd also be willing to bet he worshipped Satan. Do we really want a Satan worshiper's cheese representing this great nation?

I suppose in a way it's fitting that the cheese most associated with the US is American Cheese. What better metaphor for the US than the most unnatural, preprocessed food product since the Twinkie. Well I for one am sick of it. I'm calling for a worldwide boycott of American Cheese. I won't rest until American Cheese has been wiped from the plates and bagged lunches of school children and unsuspecting office workers everywhere.

Viva la Colby!

(For the record, I've had the real stuff. No, it did not change my mind. Mark my words, American cheese is slowly but surely destroying this great nation.)

I suspect the above writeups are the opinion of people who have not had real american cheese, but only the Kraft Variety of Cheese Food and Imitation Cheeses which are labeled as American Cheese. While these plastic wrapped singles of cheese like stuff do actually contain cheese, they are not in fact american cheese. They are a blended mixture of cheeses and additives designed to give a taste similar to american cheese.

If you go to a real deli or cheese shop and ask for American Cheese, you will not get plastic wrapped molded squares of processed cheese. You will get real American Cheese, which bears a mildly similar flavor to Kraft Singles, only much much better and with actual flavor. So please, before you write off american cheese, at least try the real thing.

There are quite a few American cheeses, even if only one commonly gets called "American Cheese." For example...

If I ruled the universe, the cheese best known as "American" would be Jack Cheese. Sweet, creamy, and complex, it usually comes from California, USA.

The Tillamook County Creamery Association is best known for its Cheddar, but this Oregon, USA-based plant also produces Monterey Jack, Colby, and Smoked Cheddar.

Bel Gioioso Cheeses have been made in Wisconsin, USA since 1979, using Italian equipment and traditional Italian methods. However, differences in local demand as well as in climate and grazing have given these cheeses their own character.

Maytag Blue does indeed come from the same family as Maytag washing machines. A creamy blue cheese sold mainly via mail-order, Maytag has a dense, crumbly texture and spicy flavour.

Cheesemaking was introduced to Mexico during the Spanish conquest in the 1500s. Asadero is a fine melting cheese: white, supple, and gently sweet. Queso Anejo, on the other hand, is more crumbly and salty.

The Canadian cheese market is dominated by Cheddar. Canadian Cheddar is often more acidic than traditional British Cheddar.

This is all opinion. Be nice.

I'd like to offer a voice of dissent here: I like American Cheese, and not only the really good, freshly sliced deli variety. I like the stuff that comes individually wrapped in plastic, too. You know when Homer said "mmm. Sixty-four slices of American cheese" and proceeds to eat them all? Yeah. That was me and I wasn't laughing.

So what is it? Why is this stuff so good to me? Why do I have American cheese cravings? I'll admit that a big part of it is nostalgia - I grew up eating cheese and mayo on good deli rye as an afternoon snack. It's an independant cheese; I can't think of another cheese readily available in the United States that I'd eat all by itself between two pieces of bread (ok, except Brie, but that's not quite so standard). Other cheeses just feel like toppings.

Speaking of toppings: I like the way it melts and I like the way it tastes melted, particularly on six ounces of grilled beef. Swiss isn't bold enough. Cheddar is too sharp and oily. Mozzarella is too soft. Blue Cheese is too salty. Monterey Jack is too...south-western. I love all of these cheeses in different contexts but on a burger they pale in comparison. Maybe it's because its relatives live in a can, but no other cheese melts as well.

It sounds like I'm saying American's good because it's inoffensive, but that's not it at all. It's that even after all this time and all these cheeses, American cheese still confuses me at some fundamental level. I want it to taste like something else, I want to be able to associate it with cheddar but I can't, not really. It's like the black sheep of the dairy world, the cheese-fairy reject. But that's alright; I still like the look I get when I order american and mayo on a roll.