There is no Fermi paradox: space is full of other civilisations. The scientists just cover up what's in their transmissions. Here is a leaked sample. Not to be read within one hour of a meal.


I never thought something like this would happen to a guy like me.

I'd had to work late on some stupid contract, and I needed to relax. So I went into this bar I know, not far from the thrunt park, so you get all sorts in there. Sometimes you get a couple of whores coming in late in the evening, but they're on their break then, and they wouldn't take a client if he paid them. (As it were.) Otherwise it's everything from silver-pushers from the globulate through to the thrunt-drivers from the docks. They always behave themselves, though. I think they come there specially when they feel like behaving. You know? They can go somewhere else for a fight.

So anyway, I come in through the street door, and there's this really hot chick at the bar. I mean really hot, not just one of these smooth-combed half-buttocked knock-knees trying to hook up with the hard-feet at the copper-bar. So she's got a tail hanging nearly to the floor, and it obviously hasn't been washed in a week. And I think I can smell it from the door, but that's just my eyes telling my nose stories. And her hair is all over her body like steel wool, and I'm thinking it goes all the way down to her feet! I mean this girl is hairy!

Anyway, so I come in, and everyone looks at me politely to see who we are, and I belch and spit on the floor, because Joe (that's the bartender, keeps everyone in line if they need it) likes everything done right, "we ain't stuck up," he says, "but we been brung up." Now I think of it, that's his bar, in a nutshell: anyone's welcome if they're brung but not stuck. Up.

So anyway, my spit's hardly hit the floor, and this chick, she's turned her back on me. I mean, she must have seen me, can't hardly have smelled me, and all I can see is her big furry ass with her tail hanging down. So I can feel a rumbling in my guts already, but I try to play it cool, and I go over to the bar and order me some mush. But she's not interested in cool. She just stays there, looks away the whole time, and I've hardly taken two chugs from my bowl, and she lifts her tail and farts at me, just like that. And not so quietly, either. And I know Joe wants to keep a respectable house and all, but then the smell hits me, and I just have to puke a bit. I mean, I try to keep it discreet, but there it is, my lunch in her hair. And I'm thinking I'm a lucky guy, but I'm also thinking, we're so out of here, any minute. But she's not moving. And then she just lets go and shits all over my feet and there's half her gut hanging out from under her tail.

And I'm thinking this can't be happening, and Joe's going to think I know her and throw us both out. But he's just looking at her and gagging, and I realise no-one's going to get thrown out today. And then I lose it too, and next thing I know is, her gut is running with my spew, and I'm dumping my junk all over the bar-room floor. After which things get a little blurred. Next thing I know, I've got three feet of my tongue hanging out and wrapped around her gut and she's spraying piss all over my nose. I can hear the other guys farting as they watch, but I just don't care any more. And there's an ugly old cow in the corner with her gut out and wrapped around a table leg, and that's kind of hot, even if she's ugly as hell and all I can see properly is her face. Out the corner of my eye I can see Joe's got his tongue wrapped half-way down his foreleg, but I'm really not paying any attention to what's going on around me any more, because her gut is tightening and the gut-snot is drying and we're stuck hard together, and I just know she's going to come any minute.

And I wasn't wrong. I've never known a chick come so hard! Before I can breathe her gut's back inside her and I can feel her sphincter closing around the end of my tongue. And I'm so far up I'm feeling could lick her on the nose if I wanted, but yech, I'm not a pervert so I drop that thought pretty quickly! And then my nose is filling up and clamping shut, and I'm hawking it back in gallons and throwing it up the pipe where it belongs.

And there I am twitching with my nose half way up her asshole, and Joe's got spunk on his feet, and half the floor is covered in shit and puke from the other guys who were watching, and who should walk in but my boss. And I'm thinking oh man, that was it, she'll tell everyone, and I am absolutely looking for a new job, not to mention a new wife, hell, one complete new life ... and she sees me and turns around and vomits on the floor. Wow! I always thought perhaps she liked me.

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