The title of this node is a wish
more than anything else.
Sunsets are beautiful, but I'm learning to fear them. I first felt this several days ago, driving around as the sun was setting. It had been a beautiful spring day, and when I walked outside and was bathed in the light of the sun, I was just thinking that life was perfect, that I was perfectly contented with myself. It was a good feeling, but I've learned to take such thoughts as a bad omen. They usually indicate that a crash is coming.
Misplaced dread as I notice the sun going down, but I ignore it... and then it's dark and I'm alone with myself and my inadequecies. I realize that I will never be a whole person, never heal from whatever is ailing me. I can run but I can't hide from myself. This is my fate... and I make four fresh cuts in my body with razor blades.
Would this have happened if the sun hadn't gone down? Definitely not. Sadness only comes to me in the darkness, almost never when I can feel the warm sunlight. During the day I'm beautiful and perfect just like this world, but during the night I have a hole inside me that I've been trying to fill for years.
A hole that would be filled if the sun never went down.