The title of this node is a wish more than anything else.

Sunsets are beautiful, but I'm learning to fear them. I first felt this several days ago, driving around as the sun was setting. It had been a beautiful spring day, and when I walked outside and was bathed in the light of the sun, I was just thinking that life was perfect, that I was perfectly contented with myself. It was a good feeling, but I've learned to take such thoughts as a bad omen. They usually indicate that a crash is coming.

Misplaced dread as I notice the sun going down, but I ignore it... and then it's dark and I'm alone with myself and my inadequecies. I realize that I will never be a whole person, never heal from whatever is ailing me. I can run but I can't hide from myself. This is my fate... and I make four fresh cuts in my body with razor blades.

Would this have happened if the sun hadn't gone down? Definitely not. Sadness only comes to me in the darkness, almost never when I can feel the warm sunlight. During the day I'm beautiful and perfect just like this world, but during the night I have a hole inside me that I've been trying to fill for years.

A hole that would be filled if the sun never went down.

You could try a holiday in the Arctic summer. We're planning to go to Lapland next summer¹, and one of the biggest things for me will be the 24-hour daylight. Just looking at webcams at the moment, where the local time is 1:30 in the morning, and it's still light. Very eerie - and very inviting. Wouldn't want to be there in winter, except for the beauty of the Northern lights.

Alternatives to think about:

  • Daylight simulation bulbs.
  • Become nocturnal, so that you're busy during the night, and don't think about it, then you can walk home during the sunrise and go to bed happy. I used to do this during the summer, and it was most calming to walk through the dawn chorus.

¹ Our ferry burnt down and the trip was cancelled. We will go one day.

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