Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring...
Ring...
Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring...
Ring...
Thank you for calling Technical Support. All of our technicians are
currently busy helping people even less competent than you, so
please hold for the next available technician. The waiting time is
now estimated at between fifteen minutes and eternity. In order to
expedite your call, please punch your 63-digit product identification
number onto your telephone touch pad, followed by your product
serial number, which can be found in a secret compartment inside
your computer where, for security purposes, it is printed in the
smallest typeface known to mankind. Do that now.
(Lengthy excerpt from Mahler's "Lugubrious" Symphony in C Minor)
Thank you again for calling Technical Support. We recommend that
you sit at your computer, preferably turning it on at some point, and
have at hand all your floppy disks, CD-ROM disks, computer
manuals and original packing materials in order to allow the
technician to aid you in the unlikely event that he ever takes your
call. It would also be helpful for you to refrain from sobbing while
explaining your problem to the technician. Shouting obscene
threats will cause you to be immediately disconnected and
blackballed from further communication with Technical Support, not
only from ours but that of every other electronics-related firm in the
industrialized world.
(Medley of Hootie and the Blowfish hits rendered by the Mormon
Tabernacle Choir)
Thank you once again for calling Technical Support. In order to
enable us to better assist you, it would be helpful to know more
about you and your equipment. Have you called Technical Support
before? If you have, please press the numeral "one" on your
telephone touch pad. If not, press the numeral "two." If you are not
sure, using the letters on your touch pad, spell out the phrase: "I am
confused and despondent and quickly losing the will to live." Once
you have finished, hang up your phone and make arrangements to
sell your computer because by the time the technician takes your
call, it will be obsolete, and you will be too senile to use it
anyway.
(Rangoon Opera Company's classic 1963 recording of Wagner's
"Ring Cycle" in its entirety)
Thank you for calling Technical Support. Unfortunately, all of our
technicians just went out for lunch. This means that to the estimated
waiting time we gave you earlier, you may now add at least another
two hours.
(Wayne Newton singing "Danke Schoen" 1,743 times)
Thank you for calling Technical Support. Before talking to the
technician about your problem and risking the possibility that you
may be wasting his valuable time, please ask yourself the following
questions: If my monitor screen is dark, is it possible I have
forgotten to plug in my computer or, alternately, that I have been
suddenly struck blind? Have I exhausted every possible means of
help before utilizing the sacred, last-resort-only telephone option?
Have I sent a fax to Fast Fax Technical Support? Have I consulted
my manual? Have I read the Read-Me notice on the floppy disk?
Have I called up my know-it-all geek cousin who I can't stand but
who can probably fix this thing for me in under five minutes? Have I
given the central processing unit of my computer a good, solid
whack? If you can not honestly answer "yes" to all these questions,
please get off the line immediately so that our overworked
technicians can help those truly desperate customers whose
suffering is so much greater than yours.
(Recording of Tibetan monks performing a six-day chant
celebrating the reincarnation of one of their recently deceased
colleagues into the form of a salamander.)
Thank you for calling Technical Support. You may not be aware that
this week we are featuring a discount on a number of popular CD-
ROM titles you may wish to purchase, such as the best-selling Porn
Doubler, which allows you to access erotic material from the
Internet twice as fast. If you would like to hear all 26,000 titles
read to you, shout "Yes! Yes! Yes!" into the telephone now. This will
not
cause you to lose your place in line for Technical Support; in fact it
may jump you ahead of several other callers.
(Tape loop of background music from the soundtrack of Johnny
Mnemonic starring Keanu Reeves.)
Thank you for calling Technical Support. Our electronic sensors
indicate that you are about to slump over and die from a massive
frustration attack combined with severe dehydration from lack of
food and water. Before doing so, please take a moment to place
your telephone receiver back in its base and switch off your
computer so as not to wear down its internal battery. As a non-living
person, you will have no further need of Technical Support and so
we regretfully must remove you from our list of registered product
users. Remember, we valued your patronage and were happy to
serve your needs. Do not -hesitate to have your heirs or
beneficiaries contact us should any further technical problems
arise