Narrator- People often complain
that the guillotine
was a monstrous way of killing
people. When you consider the alternatives
, however, it's not so bad after all. Here are some other forms of murder
that could have been used in place of the guillotine.
*form line, each person says one thing then goes to back of line and next says next, etc*
Beaten to death with a rusty wooden spoon!
Stabbed to death with knitting needles!
Stabbed to death with regular needles!
Stabbed to death with something other than needles!
Flogged to death with a spork!
Cut up alive and stuffed into a box to drown in blood!
Rip off their arm and beat them to death with it!
Rip out their intestines and whip them to death with them!
Break every bone in their body!
Drain out all their blood with a hand pump!
Narrator- Anyway, you get the idea. The guillotine wasn't so bad after all. The guillotine was designed to be a quick, efficient, and painless method of delivering death. The irony is that it was too efficient. The blood lust of the peasants and the power of the guillotine led to many wrong doings. To demonstrate this, we move now to a revolutionary courtroom.
Judge- *in announcer voice* Welcome to Bob's court of FUN! Ok, so are we gonna have some deaths today, or what? I don't hear ya all loud enough…. I said, are we gonna have some deaths here today, or what?!? Alright! The guillotine is all oiled up and READY FOR ACTION!
Jury- Enough already, get on with the deaths!
Judge- Quiet, you bloodthirsty maniac of a jury, you! You know I love ya…. We'll have the first prisoner. What are you guilty of?
Victim- You mean, what am I being accused of?
Judge- Ya, ya… whatever. Get on with it.
Victim- I am being accused of putting too much salt on my small piece of stale bread. A ridiculous crime if you ask me.
Judge- And how do you plead?
Victim- Not Guilty! Not only did I not put too much salt, I didn't put any at all.
Jury- I've had enough of these outrageous lies! You are an aristocrat at heart. Jury finds the defendant guilty as charged.
Judge- Alright, so we've got our verdict we need our punishment. Do I hear guillotine boys and girls?!? Right on! Guillotine it is! NEXT!
Victim- I was ta---
A- Guilty! Go for the guillotine.
Judge- Hold up, hold up, you psychopathic warmonger of a jury you… We need to let him tell us what he's guilty, er…. accused of, first.
Narrator-So as you can see, the revolutionary courtrooms were not overly fair. Perhaps this is a little bit exaggerated, but in actual fact, people have been executed for less.