schizophasic's New Writeups

sacrificial lamb (fiction)

2012-06-10T23:44:56Z

Rachel barged into the cafeteria of the now-ruined Brookhaven Hospital. The place threatened to collapse at any time, but she was not leaving until she found Leonard. She was no longer concerned with making his death look like an accident. There was one bullet left in her pistol's magazine, and it had his name on it.

"Well look who decided to show up."

She turned at the sound of the familiar voice. There he was, seated at one of the few round tables that weren't overturned. In the swirl of dust in the beam of her flashlight he looked even more gnarled than she remembered; craggy, his eyebrows so long and curly they nearly met his eyelashes. He held a flask in one hand and a semi-automatic in the other.

"You son of a bitch." She took a step toward him, gun drawn, eyes trained on his vacant ones.

Leonard choked a little on the swig he had just taken. "Don't point that thing at me. You'll…

Oldsmobile Cutlass Ciera (thing)

2012-05-29T00:21:13Z

The Oldsmobile Cutlass Ciera is a mid-size car manufactured by the Oldsmobile division of General Motors from 1982 through 1996. It shares the popular "A-platform" body style with its sister models the Buick Century, Pontiac 6000 and Chevrolet Celebrity. It was named "Safe Car of the Year" by Prevention Magazine in 1992 and was considered at the time to be sturdier and more reliable than its counterparts.

The Ciera was available in three body styles; the 4-door sedan, 2-door coupÃ© and the 4-door Ciera Cruiser station wagon, though production of the 2-door model ceased in 1992. The Ciera was also at the forefront of the switch from RWD to FWD for the A-platform. A convertible-top Ciera was available from 1983-86, though less than a thousand were ever produced, and as such were quite rare in their day and next to impossible to find today.

Powertrain options for the Ciera included the 3-speed automatic 2.5 L 4-cylinder GM "…

that moment of panic when you flush the toilet but nothing goes down (thing)

2012-05-07T01:38:27Z

Don't act like you're not secretly terrified of this. It's one of those things that doesn't happen every day, but when it does that little swarm of anxiety is unmistakable. Anyone who's ever done the "walk of shame" knows what this is. No, not that one. The one where you're at work and you have to march your happy ass through the sea of cubicles holding up the plunger like the Olympic torch. But at least there you can always blame it on that fat bastard Rich in IT.

Unfortunately this event doesn't always happen in a place where you conveniently have your very own morbidly obese guy to take the heat. The worst occurrence of WYFTTBNGD has to be when it happens at someone else's house.

Picture this if you will. You're at a friend's house. It could be a small get-together with a few friends, which would actually make the whole debacle even more interesting. You've probably been drinking, and if you haven't yet made your best friend hate you forever by spilling…

Lagoon (review)

2012-05-02T02:00:14Z

Lagoon is an action role-playing game developed by Zoom Inc. and published by Kemco for the Super Nintendo in 1991. A cursory glance at the game leaves no question as to which moderately successful action RPG released around the same time inspired its inception. Unlike that game, however, Lagoon took its position as a first-generation SNES title as clearance to be subpar.

Story

An RPG without a compelling story is like a porno with a compelling story; that is, it ain't natural. As for Lagoon, Gamespot sets the scene thus: "Lakeland has a drinking problem." Indeed, some evil rotten forces are afoot in this bucolic kingdom and, as so many evil rotten forces are wont to do, they raise all kinds of hell. They accomplish this feat by somehow contaminating Lakeland's water supply. A Wise Old Man^TMÂ entreats a young hero named Nasir to find out why. Nasir can best be desrcribed as the Â red-headed stepchild of Link and…

I'd rather fight giant monsters than work at McDonald's (idea)

2012-05-02T01:14:44Z

When I was a child, I dreamed of a number of future professions, as children are wont to do, including but not limited to police officer, news reporter, professional writer, and plumber (fuck you, Super Mario Brothers. Not only did I learn the hard way that stomping anthropomorphic mushrooms was not a job requirement, but I was also the laughingstock of grade three on Career Day). Then I grew up, and learned that not every little kid gets to grow up to be an astronaut or superhero or prime minister. And I'm okay with that, or as much as I can be. Sadly, we've fallen on hard times, and the going is rough not only for job-seekers but those who are seeking to fill positions.

As I mentioned, times are tough, and this means even people with advanced education are needing to fall back on work for which they would otherwise be overqualified. However, there is something to be said for that old saying "the whole is greater than the sum of its parts". In this case, the "whole" is a company or…

Ballz 3D (review)

2012-05-02T01:13:34Z

Ballz 3D is a fighting game developed by PF Magic and published by Accolade for the Sega Genesis, Super Nintendo, and 3DO in 1994. At the time different takes on the genre were cropping up faster than zits on the foreheads of the violence-starved adolescents who clamored for them. Unfortunately some of these games were about as appealing as the aforementioned zits and twice as irritating. Ballz 3D* is one such game.

*Disclaimer: To maintain my integrity as a writer, I feel I should make some effort to avoid obvious genitalia-themed puns while reviewing this game. I can't promise I'll try, but I'll try to try. Besides, the developers already beat me to the punch with their tagline, "To be the champion, you gotta have Ballz!" Stay classy, PF Magic.

Story

Not much of a story to be had, but such is not uncommon for fighting games. They are, after all, the bad porno of the gaming realm, for those who want to skip the niceties and get down to…