Zen Haircut's New Writeups

How to cook rice (idea)

2002-05-13T19:05:42Z

This is the secret of rice, told to me on a dark wintry night by a young Japanese lady. This revolutionised my cooking (which, admittedly, does mostly consist of rice-based dishes), and it can and will do the same for you, fellow eater!

This works best on a gas hob, where the temperature can be quickly and easily adjusted, but one may also use an electric hob if one is so handicapped. In this case, it is best to use two hob plates set to the required temperature, as electric hob plates take time to cool down and will belittle oneâs humble efforts to make perfect rice.

Take one pan of indeterminate volume, and add dried rice in the normal manner (i.e. with a cup, glass, hands, catapult, Archimedes Screw, whatever. Just get the rice into the freakin pan) and add the same amount of cold, cold water.…

Body glitter is the curse of the cheating man (idea)

2001-08-10T07:01:00Z

Body glitter will betray you. Any contact with a woman who is wearing the slightest amount of body glitter will cause copious amounts of this man-hating substance to leap onto every available inch of your skin like youâre some kind of fleshy van de Graaf generator.

If you have decided to cheat on your woman, make sure your partner in infidelity has had no physical contact with glitter for at least three days. If this is for whatever reason unavoidable, you are entering a danger zone. Your woman will be able to detect transferred glitter on your body with an acuity unparalleled in the natural world, and will be able to resolve glitter concentrations of approximately 1 particle of glitter per 10 square centimeters of skin. You must ensure that this does not happen.

Washing by itself is insufficient to avoid an undesirable confrontation regarding your activities.…

Home surgery (idea)

2001-08-03T10:37:53Z

Home surgery â we should practice it more often. Iâm not talking about the big things like kidney transplants or open-heart surgery here, Iâll leave some things to the doctors. However, many people have yet to experience the joy and sense of accomplishment one gets from sewing up a nasty wound, or ridding oneself from that troublesome ingrown toenail.

I try to minimise my visits to the hospital or doctor, simply because I am very fond of my body. Itâs the only thing that is truly mine, and I feel that I should be able to cope with most of the things that befall it. Thatâs not to say I wouldnât hike on up to the emergency ward if my arm got sliced off, but I feel that general maintenance is up to me. In the same way that a driver should be able to change a fan belt and fit new…