TerribleAspect's New Writeups

The Apples and Bananas Song (personal)

2010-07-20T17:15:03Z

The Moose.

Her mangled pigtails are coming undone; the colorful ribbons that were once tightly bound by mother's expert hair tying technique are finally yielding to enough torment from grimy little fingers and have decided to give up the ghost and slip almost entirely out. She sleepily hobbles her way over to me with an off-balanced hop-walk, little stick legs long and thin like an excited fawn that doesn't know how to bend it's knees. She gets real close and in my peripheral field of vision her wild hairdo appears to have a life of its own like an undersea plant waving its tentacles in the current, or a Gorgon from days gone by.

"Ite Ite A No Nos!?!" she exclaims plopping a sticky little paw, adorned with melted fudge-pop, on my forearm, drawing my gaze away from the complicated securities homework on the screen and into a face eerily similar to my own. Just…

May 10, 2010 (event)

2010-05-10T16:49:50Z

I can count on three fingers the times I have had a beer and really enjoyed it for the flavor and not just the buzz. I can't remember how much I drank on Saturday night. I can never remember how much I drink because I drink until I black out.

Not: Black out, fall down, pass out, wake up, and feel silly.

But: Black out and CONTINUE to drink, become easy to provoke, hostile, violent, crude, Terrible, dangerous, monkey, pig, vampire, rapist, thief, murderer.

It is fucking up my otherwise normal life. It is fucking up my self perception. It is fucking me…

May 4, 2010 (log)

2010-05-04T23:19:13Z

Jury duty. That'll do it.

The mortgage that is past due and the job that is taking too long to generate commission income- no. That won't do it.

The t w o step kids who hate me and my t w o babies who are feverish and snotty at home with a wife that I continue to discover has almost as dark of a past as myself- no. That won't do it either.

Jury duty will though. Juror 172. That's me today.

I haven't been here for almost five years- I mean, I've been here, I just haven't left anything worthwhile to show that I've been. Lurking. Waiting for the perfect moment. Blocked. Writer's constipation.

Jury duty. Its an important responsibility.

In the past five years, shitty boots and sweaty hats, horses, cattle and rattlesnakes, smoke filled bars, married women, pistols and fist fighting…

Sprinkler Lines (thing)

2010-03-23T03:14:47Z

Sprinkler lines used in alfalfa farming are generally made of aluminium pipe 4" to 5" in diameter and fitted with wheels 5' to 7' tall. A sprinkler line can span a distance up to 1280' and provide enough water pressure to load 33 sprinkler heads.

The heads themselves are brass and are spaced 40' from each other as the average range of their spray is 20' which means, with a line 1280' long, a quarter mile of alfalfa can be watered at one time. The heads have levelers on their bottoms, which are cast-iron 2lb weights sprayed day-glo orange to increase visibility from long distances, designed to keep them right side up instead of cock-eyed and spraying straight down. The heads rotate by way of a weighted sprinkler arm attached to a spring which interrupts the stream of water and is slung backwards, then comes back with enough force to turn the entire head approximately an inch and a half.

5' and 7' wheels are designed for 60' intervals between risers, or water spouts, and 6' wheels are for 50'…

December 9, 2006 (personal)

2010-03-04T01:53:09Z

My little boy is born today.

I am a successful salesman at a Ford dealership and am making more money than I ever thought was possible.

He is pink and wrinkly and a really big little guy. He looks like my dad and my family crowds around me.

I work from 8am to 9pm and smoke Newport cigarettes. As many as possible.

My little boy weighs 9 pounds 5 ounces and he will get nicknamed 'Monkey Toe' which gets shortened to 'Toe' and later on in his childhood is lengthened to 'Toenail'. But that will usually be when he is being cute or is in trouble and people will look at me like I am an abusive parent when I yell for him in public. They say "What the fuck?".

I drink now and am completely off the wagon. I drink too much coffee and I hate to be away from work. When I am at work I hate to be around the other salespeople and they hate me for my success. I am a bastard to them and outshine them…

Ape-nuts! It's what's for breakfast! (recipe)

2005-09-16T20:33:30Z

My grandmother is a nutritionist and since as far back as I can remember she has been four-square against drinking, smoking, doctors, prescription drugs, and breakfast cereal.

I gave her the name Mimi when I was about two and since I was her first grandchild, and therefore the trail blazer of the grandchildren that would follow, they were obliged to refer to her as Mimi as well. In fact, everyone in my family, my dad, aunts and uncles, even my buddies and girlfriends I have brought home to meet her call her Mimi.

For some strange reason everyone in my family lived in the same house when I was little. My aunts and uncles, my cousins, my dad, my sisters, Mimi, and me. It was one big happy family and Mimi would take care of the grandchildren while everyone else went to work, or school, or both.

Mimi grew up during the great depression and so instilled in us at a very early…