Apollyon's New Writeups

Alternate Meaning (poetry)

2009-11-24T11:54:56Z

(This poem is written as a duet for a poetry night. The first stanza and the equivalent lines are to be performed by myself in deadpan formal style. The second stanza is to be performed by a good friend, (who may in fact be imaginary) in an ebullient childish manner. The final stanza will be improvised with jumbled up sentences getting faster and faster and making less and less sense until we both say the final line together. I've always wanted to do a poet-duet and I think this uses the idea as completely as possible while explaining a complicated idea in a simple manner. Constructive criticism is requested.)

Logical deduction concludes that
I cannot think about myself
unless there are two of me in one head.
When I meet schizophrenics
They soon realise that they are not so different.

I communicate with whispers and memories
and guide your emotions more than you know
to play games with you.
I…

Difficult Housing (poetry)

2009-10-26T18:06:12Z

I carried her home-made tent back to the squat after the rave.
It was made of birch and an hour before was used to shelter pretty young girls and UV paints. It was heavy. We must have looked like peasants out of some Van Gough.
Although her pink tu tu might have ruined his composition.

In the centre of the garden stood a quince tree surrounded by row after row of organised vegetables. Next door had concrete, a car and judgemental Sunday-morning faces.
A large picture of a television was on a box in the corner where a real one would be. The caption read "a prison for your mind". The TV license people left them alone.

Warm tea was brought from another house. No gas. No milk either – strictly vegan.

The other anarchists held a committee meeting without her that week.
Anarcho-communism is all about committee meetings nowadays:

They started minutes with the loan; of a ladder the week…

Gone in Sixty Seconds 2009 - Theatre Quest Entries (fiction)

2009-04-06T07:50:54Z

Title: Awkward Names Anonymous
By: Apollyon, Huddersfield
Scene: Group Therapy.
--------------------------------

Isobel – [laughs uncontrollably at a man who is being comforted] Rotsssssh! I. Am. SO. Sorry ... [shouts] CROTCH! [laughs again, covers mouth]

Sarah – [angry] Awkward Names Anonymous is for people with awkward names not for people who find them hilarious! Mike Rotch did not come here to be laughed at.

Roger – Sarah please sit down. Isobel deserves to speak. Isobel. Isobel if you can compose yourself.

Isobel – Hello; my name is Isobel.

[All: Hello Isobel]

Isobel – My new boss is called Ian [tiny snigger] Ian Freely... and I'm about to lose my job.

Sarah – Oh let me guess is it "I. P. Freely" is that what's so funny?

Isobel – Stop it! [grabs belly, laughs uncontrollably. Falls to floor]

Sarah –…

eurotophobia (idea)

2009-02-01T03:19:34Z

A fun word for two very rare phobias:

1. Fear of blushing. (also Ereuthrophobia) A reasonably bad phobia to have. There are probably countless situations where through embarrassment, cold weather, exercise etc you would feel very uncomfortable. It is however nowhere near as bad an ailment as the primary definition:
2. Fear of Vaginas. (also Kolpophobia) Yes that's right, phobia of your meat flaps, beef curtains, orgasm organ, front bottom, and other words listed in The Vagina Monologues.

Understandably there are very few heterosexual men willing to share their experiences of eurotophobia or kolpophobia. I found only one, and he was trying to get women to help him "face [his] fear at every available opportunity".

Therefore to help you understand what is so scary about vaginas I'm going to quote comedian Doug Stanhope:

"Have you ever seen one close up? It looks like the alien. I keep expecting another vagina to come out of

…

Drinking Licence (idea)

2009-01-30T18:05:44Z

There should be a word for when you see someone making money out of an invention or idea that you thought of but couldn't capitalise on. People try to comfort you by saying 'ideas are floating on the ether' or some such bollocks.

Occasionally that feeling happens in reverse. You come up with an idea that you can see will be used, and even though you disagree with it strongly there is nothing that can be done to stop it. You think to yourself 'I hope I haven't just released this idea into the ether' and then you remind yourself that that is all bollocks.

Welcome to the drinking licence.

Hopefully when you have a night out it goes well, you meet up with some mates tell a few jokes and have a good time and go home. However everyone who drinks for a while will have one of those nights where through another's fault or your own the night goes wrong. Unfortunately this happens far too often and effects too many people in Britain.

Considering…

December 5, 2008 (person)

2008-12-05T23:58:28Z

Not to nit pick or criticise the node for dehydration but under the heading "Dehydration can also occur from inadequate intake of water" psydereal should probably have included the example bullet points "forced denial of water intake by a psychotic weirdo wearing a black skirt"

Welcome to the bewildering world of jitsu foundation.

If you ever needed an army of martial artists to fight against ninjas in the middle of the desert, jitsu foundation should be your first port of call. A jitsu grading, or exam, consists of about four hours of exercise culminating in death defying (all though some practitioners are occasionally not so successful at the "defying" part) pressure training where you fend of attacks from knives, sticks, swords, chains and broken bottles straight after each other.

So basically a jitsu grading is a marathon ending in a hundred meters sprint.

But here's the catch – the reason if you will why I am sitting here drinking water a…