RedOmega's New Writeups

April 12, 2013 (opinion)

2013-04-12T04:46:24Z

You know, I keep on meaning to make an actual writeup about my being transgendered since all the ones I've done so far have approached the topic indirectly. It is difficult for a great number of reasonsâI don't know where or how to start talking about something so personal, I don't want to expose the most vulnerable part of myself to attack, I don't want to come off as defining or being representative of what it's like to be trans, etc. So as a disclaimer: I am transgendered but I am only one transgendered person and my experiences only apply to me. Everything I write is a personal opinion and shouldn't be taken to represent the feelings or beliefs of anyone but myself. When I use the word 'we' I'm just being all rhetorical and shit--I don't assume I'm speaking for all trans people.

I haven't spoken directly to my experiences being transgendered but for the past few months I've been trying…

December 14, 2012 (personal)

2012-12-14T01:31:18Z

Day 8044 | Day 8077

"Can't you see you'll be a beautiful woman?"

She looked at me placidly as my heart wrenched in about five different directions at once. My mind raced, trying to process the words: Beautiful woman? 'Will be'? Shame, suspicion, panic, nausea, elation. Why panic? It's what you want to hear, isn't it? The voice in my head was back. But what if she's lying? What about my shoulders or my voice or...? The silence between us stretched out, her bluntness cutting through the layers of apathy I used to hide my most personal secrets.

She was in her early forties but could've been mistaken for being a decade younger. She curled comfortably into the armchair, eyes patiently and empathetically gazing at me through rimless glasses. Attractively dressed in black slacks and a button up sweater,…

November 12, 2012 (log)

2012-11-12T01:19:34Z

Day 7968 | Day 8044 | Day 8076

It's been a while since I've written much here. Partly it's a reluctance to acknowledge that what's happening to me is real and partly I want to see how everything turns out first so I can analyze in retrospect rather than admit to my overwhelming uncertainty about the present and future. But mostly it's that I've become so wrapped up in my personal struggles that I've become nearly blind to anything else— world shrink is a good description.

A little over two months ago I came out to my parents as transgendered. I'd held the letter in one hand and a bottle in the other. The letter because I couldn't say the things that needed to be said, the bottle because I couldn't do the things that needed to be done. It went, I suppose,…

Kerbal Space Program (thing)

2012-10-13T01:13:44Z

Imagine a world where everyone is just a tad bit inept. A world where rocket parts are found lying conspicuously on the side of the road and space capsules are built by a paper products corporation. A world called Kerbin, populated by little green men with dreams of going to the stars. This is the world of Kerbal Space Program (KSP), a spaceflight simulator in development by the independent studio Squad. The premise is simple: design and build your own rockets, launch them into space, and (optionally) return your Kerbals safely back to their home planet of Kerbin. Oh, and one more thing—at every step of this process it's absolutely necessary to pray that nothing blows up.

Because explosions are the true essence of Kerbal Space Program. Even the most skilled rocket designer and pilot will sacrifice countless Kerbals in brutal and often hilarious ways on the path to space. It could be a harmless miscalculation: maybe launching that rocket with 30 solid rocket boosters in the first stage wasn'…

August 27, 2012 (log)

2012-08-27T11:58:37Z

Day 7888 | Day 7968 | Day 8044

It's been a relatively quiet summer for me. This is mostly by design, since festivals, fairs, fireworks, warm weather, blue skies, barbecues, summer sports, movies, traveling, and—honest to god—sunlight tend to set off my anxieties like almost nothing else. I tend to bundle all these neuroses together into what I half-jokingly refer to as 'my usual case of summer agoraphobia.' Outside of school I'm very oblivious to social expectations so without the structure it provides I become fairly reclusive. For the last two months I've only left my house every other week or so to buy groceries and my interactions with others have basically ceased. Because of all this, I am in almost the exact same place in my life I was at in May and have only recently begun to make some personal progress.

In mid June I gathered enough…

Gender Identity Disorder (idea)

2012-08-24T23:03:06Z

Shit.

He watched the woman crossing the street in front of him, sundress swaying loosely around her hips. She was in her early twenties with a slim figure and shapely runner's legs. Her dark brown hair was cut short, drawing attention to her attractively angled eyes which twinkled when she smiled. Shit, he thought again. I'll never be like her. His stomach lurched painfully as though suddenly filled with ice water. Why do I even want to be like her? She strode over the hot black pavement, laughing as she talked with a similarly dressed woman. She walked confidently yet slowly, the relaxed pace of her steps revealing an unquestionable security in her femininity. He closed his eyes and slowly exhaled, shame and lust and envy violently contorting in his chest until he felt like vomiting. Shit.

At night he'd lay in bed staring into the darkness for hours, twisting impatiently, trying to find a comfortable…