Rainey's New Writeups

April 21, 2013 (log)

2013-04-21T00:50:06Z

Not a lot of major events have happened since the end of 2012, but I've actually made significant progress. Part of this has been the slow removal of various external stresses from my life, but most of it has just been mental health improvements: I am getting better. It may be at a torturously slow rate (have seven months really passed since I decided to transition?) but it's at least a positive trend.

I'm not presenting female in public yet, but I'm starting to really get over the biggest things that were stopping me from doing so: my lack of self-acceptance and fear of opening up to people. Coming out and telling people that I'm transitioning has gotten easier to the point where there really aren't any people left to tell -- I posted about it on Facebook, and even my dad knows now. Some of that ease is practice, I suppose, but mostly it's gotten easier because I'm not so afraid anymore. All the years of…

freak (poetry)

2013-04-06T21:16:14Z

Hand raised, like you have a question, but you only have answers
And I cringe like a dog from its master. Rub my nose in it
Please. I'm afraid. I need guidance.
Tell me I'm broken, tell me I'm lost, tell me why
I'm weak and small in form or functioning,
I don't know, so tell me. Tell me why.

Am I procedural? Follow directions, break statement only when
Following convention. Plan my obsolescence, it happens on
Your schedule. And is it that time already?
Tell me I'm useful, tell me I'm special, I know why
You need me. For function. Right?
I'm afraid, but I know. Tell me when.

Hand raised, I have a question, and you always have answers
So am I the bitch you wanted? No. I'm the one you got but
Hated. And are you afraid now?
Keep it up. We both have questions. Tell me why
You think I must switch on and off like
Binary. Good or bad. Tell me how.

Am I transitive? Uncertain, pondering, thinking forever the
Chassis can…

Tracy Hickman (person)

2013-03-22T22:12:53Z

When a huge, bearded and long haired man in a leather motorcycle jacket stands speechless in front of you, grip[ping] your book with both massive hands as tears roll down his cheeks struggling to tell you how your books saved his life — thatâs when you remember why you write and are grateful that God gave you the opportunity and talent.

Tracy Hickman is a prolific speculative fiction author and game designer, best known for his work on Dragonlance. He was born on November 26, 1955 in Salt Lake City, Utah, where he also grew up and met his high school sweetheart Laura Curtis. After high school, Hickman spent two years as a missionary for the The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints before returning home to marry Curtis in 1977. The couple are still together to this day and have four children.

Hickman is best known as a novelist for his collaborations with Margaret Weis, though he frequently works with his wife…

December 31, 2012 (log)

2012-12-31T00:07:37Z

I really wanted to write in more nodes of substance before resorting to another daylog, but my life hasn't really let up much. I've had a pretty hellish time since last I wrote; just keeping up with basic responsibilities has occupied all the time that hasn't been occupied by angst and dysphoria. The rare days that I'm in a good mood, I usually just want to spend with my sister. If anyone can make me feel loved wholly and completely as I am, it's a two-year-old who hugs the crap out of me every day. Though I am getting sick of eating toy food all the time.

These last few months of relative quiet have given me a bit of distance from elements of my life that were dragging me down; I'm finally content to let go of several "friends" who have been nothing but poison to my mental health. My social skills still suck, so I've not exactly made new friends to replace them, but I've been reconnecting with an old friend who was apparently waiting…

October 24, 2012 (log)

2012-10-24T00:47:05Z

I've moved back in with my mother since the last daylog. My priority right now needs to be on my personal health, and staying in Windsor was not conducive to that whatsoever. Without going into damning detail, the gist of the story is just that I had no support where I was (in fact I had the opposite) and my social skills are too broken to even meet new people anymore. I can't express myself in a human fashion at all, so the only people who even believe that I'm depressed and going through personal issues are people whom I still know from earlier in my life -- all of whom are back in my hometown. One of the few constant presences in my Windsor life told me that if I wanted to kill myself, I should go ahead and do it. They only said it because they mistakenly believed that I was lying about having suicidal thoughts, but that changes nothing. I had to leave. Now I'm back in Cornwall indefinitely, where I…

September 27, 2012 (log)

2012-09-27T00:31:50Z

Another daylog, and unfortunately not a fun one about short film production or even something different like a dream. I've had a lot of dreams recently, but most don't lend themselves to dramatization; I had one in which I was an exaggeratedly ugly version of myself being harshly criticized by abusive figures from my childhood, and another one in which I was brutally raped. There are obvious meanings behind these dreams, but neither would be fun to write about.

In my last writeup, I briefly went over the issues I've been having with my gender identity. Well, maybe it wasn't brief exactly, but the story from my perspective seems really complicated so anything under 2000 words feels like barely a scratch on the surface. But, that's how I am in general: I definitely learnt at a young age that telling people too much about myself was a bad idea, so I tend to talk about myself in a fairly…