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Why should you love Everything2? Because we've got interesting facts and opinions and reviews. Because we've got poetry of all sorts. Because we've got every kind of fiction from fantasy to science fiction to romance to horror to comedy. Because we've got true stories that are heart-breaking, inspiring, adventuresome, and every other flavor of adjective out there. Because you'll meet people here who will teach you wonderful things, who you'll be able to chat with for hours without ever getting bored, who you will count among your dearest friends.
And because if you don't love Everything2, we'll kill you.
No, no, not joking. Here, look.
Pardon me, sir. Do you love Everything2?
"What are you talking about? I've never heard of OH GOD WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!? STOP IT PLEASE, I NEED THAT TO LIVE! OH GOD, MY SPINE, MY SPIIIIINE!" (gurgle splotch thud)
See? Love us, or we will kill you hard and bloody.
We don't even have to get our own hands dirty. Watch this.
Excuse me, sir. Have you enjoyed your E2 experience today?
"Not in the least! This site doesn't contain the up-to-the-minute investment info I need! Good day, sir!"
"HOLD, HUMAN!"
"Wh-What the hell is -- ?"
"YOU SEEK TO DISRESPECT EVERYTHING2? YOU SEEK ULTIMATE PAIN AND ETERNAL DESTRUCTION?"
"Good Lord, what is that thing?!"
"COME AND TEST YOUR METTLE AGAINST KLONKOR, THE BEAST THAT EATS EYES!"
"Let go of me! Let go of me! Oh God!"
"SILENCE, FOOL! SILENCE WHILE KLONKOR FEASTS!"
Splurtchh!
(incoherent shrieks)
"AHH, SWEET, SQUISHY EYES! SO DELICIOUS! ARE YOU HIDING EXTRA EYES, HUMAN? KLONKOR WILL SEEK THEM!"
Skkrikk-k-k-Sphlaatchh!
"NOTHING INSIDE THE SKULL? PERHAPS THE CHEST CAVITY..."
Thanks, Klonkor, great work. Look carefully in there -- you never know when they'll hide an eye behind a spleen or something...
So remember, E2 newbies, love us for our eloquence, for our knowledge, for our understanding and humor and imagination. Or just love us because you fear pain and death. It's all the same to us, really.
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