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Shiny. Smooth. Sharp. Nice.
This is going to be so awesome, way better than all those other pansies with their safety razors. I'm going to shave dangerously. That's right, I could die while shaving. How cool is that? That's how a real man should shave. Plus, if someone tries to start some shit with me while I'm shaving, I'll be ready. Watch out everybody, I'm shaving with a lethal weapon! That's like cutting your toenails with a circular saw or scratching your back with a loaded rifle or something. This is so cool. I'm so cool.
OK, it's brand new, does it need honing? Ooh, the honing stone is nice. Made in Mexico? I suppose that doesn't matter... Well, it seems sharp enough already, anyway. It'll definitely need stropping though. Will it need stropping? Of course it will. The strop's nice, very smooth. It's shorter than I expected. The ones in the movies are way longer. Does it matter how long it is? Oh well, I've got this one anyway. Does it need to be broken in or something? Do I need to use the strop conditioner first? How often do I have to condition it? Why doesn't it say so on the conditioner bottle? Stupid bottle. Well, I suppose it won't need conditioning. Right?
OK, stropping, here we go. Hehe, I'm like Sweeney Todd. "At last, my arm is complete again!". What a mad bastard. I just hope some really tall guy in blue tights doesn't try to muscle in on my business...
Focus, man.
Ok, alright. What's with the canvas side on the strop? Am I supposed to strop it with both sides? Which side first? Well the canvas is rougher, so I suppose it's that one first. Well this doesn't seem so hard... How long am I supposed to do it on this side? Should I go to the other side now? Alright, I think that's long enough with the canvas. This leather is odd, it's pink. I suppose all leather would be pink unless they dye it...
Focus.
Wait, have I got the blade at the right angle? What if it's wrong? Will I ruin my razor? I suppose I could just hone it if I do... But is it meant to make that noise? Shit, i've cut my strop! What do I do? Is there a strop repair kit or something? Do I just cut off the bit that's flapping around now? SHIT! OK, it's cool. Chillax. The razor seems sharp enough now, but should I test it? No, you idiot, that'll blunt it. But how am I supposed to know if it's sharp? Well you shave with it, obviously.
OK, I'm pretty well set then. Brush, cream, razor, towel, tissues, face. OK, here we go. Am I supposed to mix the shaving cream with water? "Apply directly to brush". Alright then, you're the boss. Hehe, now it looks like I have a big white beard like Dr. Maddox, or David Stratton. Is he still doing that TV show? People seem to like him and it's not hard work, so I wouldn't think he'd stop anytime soon...
Focus.
Alright. Is that scraping noise normal? Well the hair is gone from there now, so I suppose so. Have I got the razor at the right angle? Thirty degrees, right? That looks about right. Dee dee dum, to shave-a-da face, it take-a-da heart, to shave-a-da-face, doo doo doo.... OK, onto the neck now, I can't see why Mum was worried about me slashing my throat. You'd need to cut deep to do any real damage... wouldn't you? Of course you would. Oh crap, the shaving cream's dried out! Stupid cream, I knew I should've mixed it with water. It's OK, just wet it with some water. Agh, creamy water is running down my neck, I'll have to wash my jumper now.
Focus.
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