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I want to tell you all something, but I can't, not yet, and so I'll tell you something else.
I'm almost there. The things I've been working toward the past decade are finally coming together. I'm close to starting a new life as the person I've wanted to be my whole life.
It took me longer than I thought it would. I guess these things always do, don't they?
But still. There are some things that in retrospect I should have done much sooner, and found myself afraid to do because they weren't "practical".
One of those things was to continue to live with a person who smothered me and made me doubt myself and my abilities. This roommate was neither a lover nor a relative, and so I should have been able to just tell this person to go away and get out of my life. It should have been easy, right? Just say, "This isn't working; you need to leave." Or, "This isn't working; I'm leaving."
But it wasn't nearly so simple. The person didn't consciously intend to have the effect they did; we were just a bad combination. And, for better or worse, I cared about them. I'd been raised to try to get along with people no matter what. And in college I'd learned that, courtesy of my depression, I didn't do well on my own. And then there was money: I didn't have much, didn't make much. Not nearly enough to survive on my own.
And so my practical decision to stay in that situation, combined with my thyroid deciding to crap out on me, cost me productive years I can't get back.
So, here's what I've learned: if you find yourself living with people who belittle or dismiss your dreams and ambitions, get away from them as soon as possible.
Otherwise, they will drag you down and the mundane stress of dealing with them day after day will drain you of the energy and desire to keep trying to become the person you want to be. They will break you, whether they mean to or not. And if you stay broken, that's not a lot different from being dead.
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