|
What I remember most was the smell of her house. It was a suburban, mass produced kind of smell. When I got there, noone else was home. She said her parents and brother would be out all night.
We were in the same class. I was reaching ahead by two years, she was going to graduate. I understood the material well, she did not. And we were being paired in some joint homework, so she invited me over to her place to work on it. I duly accepted. Three years doesn't sound like that much of an age gap, but at 15 (me), it really is.
And I did, and we did. We got it over rather quickly, really, cause homework bored me, although I did take the time to explain what she did and we did in fact do it together, and I was about to leave before she asked if I wouldn't mind some red wine.
Now, I was still at the drinking-cheap-convenience-store-wine-behind-the-bleachers stage in life, and the thought of a drink or two suited me just fine. The first we sipped in relative silence, there being a rather awkward pause whose portent I didn't quite understand.
Her questions became sort of the feeling someone out personally questions. Who i was friends with, what did I like to do in my spare time kind of... she handed me a second glass. I drank that as well. Later on I realised I didn't see her pour the second one. She went away to the kitchen to do that.
I started to relax a lot more. I was usually nervous around people's houses for the first time, and frankly, girls made me nervous too. I usually kept to myself, or the company of a couple of male friends.
The shadows were starting to lengthen.
I asked her some similar small talk back, but I didn't quite catch what she said somehow.
I had been drunk once, but I naively thought that I was simply reacting as a relative newcomer to a stronger wine. I was starting to lose track of time and her conversation. I was unsteady on my feet. She told me to sit down. For a brief moment I wondered if I'd be okay before I really had to be home. My parents were rather strict.
I suddenly had to be somewhere, but where? My limbs were leaden. I had great difficulty following a train of thought. Two drinks. Was it two? Good wine.
I was lying down. Two drinks? Really good wine. My clothes were loose. Someone was kissing my neck. It was enjoyable. Someone was there, someone wasn't. Rustling near my head. Chill of cold air.
I was naked. Wow, man. Really. How did that happen. I must remember that wine. It is really very good. What time is it? I tried to move. I was pushed gently back. I think I have to be somewhere.
Part of me felt like I should cover myself. But my chest felt good.
I went to cover parts I was worried people would laugh at. My hand was taken away gently. It's okay, the voice said. You're fine.
Soft voice.
Wetness at the neck again. Interesting candle on the wall. Why is it so dark?
I was fine. But I needed to be somewhere....
A song I didn't quite know. Never heard it before. Didn't realise it was playing. Music is important. I'll figure out what it is and then I'll go. But I have problems making out speech at the best of times, and the man was screeching. What time is it?
Couldn't register much. Leaden. Felt like I should be doing something. But what. Wasnt I supposed to be somewhere?
And she's buying
Hey, it's okay to be naked. I'm comfortable. Vulnerable, but I mean, it's.. wait. I was thinking something there. What time is it?
I closed my eyes. Fighting to stay awake. So tired. I can't sleep here, I'm supposed
a stairway
to be somewhere. Am I being kissed? Shouldn't I kiss her back? Where is she? Shouldn't I be doing the kissing? That's how it's supposed to that's how what is supposed to wait, what time is it
Soft wet warmth enveloping me. A piercing, delicious gliding sensation, better than I have felt before, and then weight on my hips. Rolling, grinding. The slide again. I surrendered.
Oh
my
God.
a stairway to Heaven
I could lie here forever. My entire existence reduced to one absolutely wonderful
Someone moaning and crying out
I was too. Was I? What time is it? How long have I been doing this? How long have I been doing what
Then coming. obliterating every single thought, taking out the back of my head like a jackhammer. Feeling it build up, burst, repeat on echo, dying slowly.
And then I was alone.
After some time the shadows began to shrink. I started to remember where I was. I felt lighter, surer of myself. Clocks made sense again. Trains of thought became clearer. Things started making sense again. A horrible kind of sense. And I was very, very late to get home.
Seeing I was able to be coherent, she threw my clothes at me.
"Congratulations. You're not a virgin. Now get out."
-----
Three weeks later she finally spoke to me again. She had something called chlamydia and I needed to get tested for it but if I said anything to anyone about it, she'd say I raped her. I asked about pregnancy and she just laughed, saying she was sure she was going to menstruate soon, and if she didn't, she'd get back to me.
----
The doctor was female.
She held my genitalia between her fingertips, examining it, like it was some distasteful trash bag she'd lost her wedding ring in. her other fingers were spread as far away as possible from the rest of her hand.
"Well, okay."
She got up and walked over to a cabinet and retrieved some items. She sat down brusquely and told me to look at the chart on the wall over there.
"Which one? You mean..."
SEARING PAIN. She had roughly rammed a cotton swab a third the length up my urethra. Tears sprang to my eyes. I started to curl into a foetal position as she stood up.
"Maybe that'll teach you to go around giving girls diseases" she hissed, pulled the swab roughly back out, snapped off her gloves, and walked out, leaving me crying, quietly, for the next ten minutes.
------
I did not have sex again for years.
Sometimes, it hurts the first time for us, too.
| 
