Wanting to do something special for the girlfriend but
can't get theatre tickets? Parents coming to visit and you want to avoid the
usual nagging and complaints? The boss or an important client coming over for
a soirée and you need to impress?
Try
cock!
Despite (or perhaps because of) its notoriety amongst
liberal arts students, the cock is often overlooked as a mainstream social
tool. This is a shame. Yes, it may lack the traditional charm of a night at the
opera, and for convenience a pizza wins hands down. However, when properly
prepared a cock is none the less a delightful treat.
If nothing else, it carries a considerable element of
surprise.
On the selection and care of cocks
Cocks come in all kinds of shapes and sizes. You should make
sure you select the appropriate cock for the occasion — after all,
wasting good cock would be a heinous crime.
The amount of cock required to produce all-round satisfaction
depends upon not just the number of mouths, but also upon how it is being
served. A plain cock served straight up may make an adequate quicky, but for a
formal occasion this would not be the done thing. Remember to factor in the
accompaniments.
Obtaining a good cock can pose a slight challenge. Although
cock is nearly ubiquitous, much of it is mediocre at best. Assuming you do not
have a cock of your own, here are some tips you may find useful:
This next point is somewhat controversial. Many people,
particularly in the west, prefer cock with the skin intact. They argue that the
skin forms an essential part of the process and helps prevent the cock from
sticking. Others prefer to remove the skin, citing health concerns.
Another point of disagreement is whether cocks should be kept
in cages or allowed to roam freely. Certainly, caging a cock
is cruel — considerable pain can be caused by the bars if the cock grows
or tries to move around. On the other hand, keeping tighter control over a cock
certainly makes things easier if it might be needed in a hurry.
Issues of Serving
The number of things that can be done with a cock are nearly
limitless. Entire volumes have been written on the subject. Far be it for me to
prescribe or proscribe any particular choice — I will merely make a
few observations on a couple of topics.
The first is that of oil. Some are adamant that a cock's
own natural juices are all that is needed. Others insist that a cock should be
coated in lots of extra oil or grease. Personally, I believe in
a happy medium, with lots of flexibility to suit the occasion. Often there is
already sufficient liquid, particularly when a nice slow method is used, but I
don't see anything wrong with using extras where the occasion warrants. Do, however, ensure that any oil you use will not cause problems with your equipment.
The other is that of red wine versus white.
The textbook answer is, of course, a Chablis, Lachryma Christi del Vesuvio bianco or new-world Chardonnay / Sauvignon Blanc, but some traditional French
methods call for a red Burgundy instead. Also, do not rule out other drinks
in less formal situations — tequila in particular has been known to
help encourage people to try new things.
The most important thing, though, is to have fun. A dinner
party may not be the best time to try doing new things with a cock, so you may
wish to get some practice in before the main event; however, don't make yourself
nervous. The easiest way to ruin a good cock is through performance
anxiety. | 
