Equipment:

Procedure:
  • Grab wailing, squirming cat and place it on your lap with its hind quarters readily accessible. Chances are the cat will freely offer them, if not the first time this procedure is followed, then certainly each time afterward.
  • Insert the Q-tip into the cat's vagina. It will be exposed and puffy. Do not insert the Q-tip into the other orifice. Either way the cat will begin to scream, but there is a subtle and audible difference in the scream of satisfaction and the scream of rectal pain. Experiment a little until you can distinguish the two.
  • Move the Q-tip in and out of the cat's vagina slowly at first, then more rapidly. No need to be gentle, no matter what you do with the Q-tip it beats a barbed cat penis digging around in there.
  • You are finished when the cat is finished. You will know when the cat is finished because it will either begin immediately to have a cat orgasm, or it will run away with the Q-tip sticking out of its ass. If this happens let it enjoy itself for a few minutes before attempting to retrieve your Q-tip.
  • That is it, you are done. Enjoy the peace and quiet until the cat flares up again.

    What to look for: The cat orgasm that follows this procedure is something the likes of which I have never seen elsewhere. It is a wriggling, leaping, moaning dance of ecstasy that defies any experience of pleasure my mind can even begin to grasp. If humans had orgasms with the intensity of a cat serviced in this way there would be no such thing as war, hunger, capitalism or God.

    Background: A cat in heat is, with few exceptions, one of the most irritating things to have living in your home. A cat in heat will follow you around and howl at you in a bone chilling, hideous wail until you are ready just to toss it outside and let it get pounded by the local tom's. After a few days of this torture having to drown a few kittens sounds relaxing. This cat-saving technique was first demonstrated to me by a terminally un-squeemish roomate of years past.
--begin rant--

An easier, safer and more humane way of dealing with a cat in heat that does not have any other outlet is: get it fixed!!!.

People who own animals that don't properly take care of them in all regards, including reproduction, should not be allowed to own them.

There are millions of wild cats simply because an irresponsible owner doesn't have the time to have them spayed or neutered.

--end rant--

Cats in heat. The yowling. The spraying. The Yow-ow-owowowOWL-ing. The sluttish writhing on the floor, or on your feet, or anywhere really. The freeze and thrust when you pat her. The yowling. The tom cats hanging round outside your door spraying everything in sight. And the yowling. There comes a time when you’re seriously considering throwing the little sex fiend outside and yelling “Toms – do your worst”.

Obviously, having your cat spayed is the responsible and caring thing to do. It’s safer for the kitty, as an unspayed, unmated female cat is at risk of mammary cancer and poly-cystic ovaries, both of which can be fatal. But if you are biding your time until responsibly breeding your kit and have considered all the issues such as homes for the kittens, then putting up with the first few heats is necessary.


Neither I nor my vet have had much success with the Q-tip (cotton bud) method outlined above. Great in theory – we found it difficult in practice. After I’d tried a few times, I gave up, and the vet showed me her preferred method. It still requires decisiveness, fortitude and firm handling, but is a bit easier and rather less icky. You also don’t have the worry that all that yowling means you’re actually damaging something in there.

Method:

Have the cat on the floor or a table - never in your lap as suggested in the original writeup – cats in heat can get quite violent.

Face her towards you and firmly grasp the scruff of the neck. The male cat holds on to the scruff by biting, and you’re trying to simulate the real thing as much as possible. Also, you don’t want her turning round and attacking the bastard (you) who’s harassing her tail. You want her to be sort of facing under your arm, fairly close to you but not so close that she can bite.

Run the index and middle fingers of your other hand (usually your dominant hand) down the sides of her spine where the base of her spine meets the tail. You’re not doing anything yet – just getting a feel for the lie of the land.

What you’ll be doing – don’t do it yet! – is with one finger (not both), pressing very firmly on one side under her tail. If you’ve followed down next to her spine – you’ll reach the point where her back ends and tail begins. You’ll be curving your finger under and pushing in firmly. You’re not pushing directly on the anus or vagina, just next to them.

Before you do it – take note. She will yowl and struggle. It will sound like you’re hurting her dreadfully. Relax – my vet assures me you’re not. This is apparently the natural cat reaction to such stimulation. But it does require fortitude on your part. Hang on to that scruff, and be resolute.

It may take a few tries to get it right. I’ve only done it on my cat – YMMV. But once she yow-wow-owls and struggles, stop the pressure then let her go.

Ready to try it? Ok – go ahead.

This method gave me a blessed hour of peace. After that – you’ll have to think about doing it again. It’s a stop-gap measure for when you can’t stand it anymore. She’ll stay on heat, and she will start yowling again.


Note – the day after learning this method I decided that the possibility of kittens in the future wasn’t worth it, neither were the AU$1500 stud fees, and I got her spayed. Ah, the blessed peace.


Method demonstrated by Dr. Kim Kendall B.V.Sc, M.A.C.V.Sc

The orginal writeup needs a bit more information. As I sit here, my cat no longer wanting to be near me. My hand is a bloody mess.

Background information.... I just got home from a camping trip with my friends to find out that my cat is in, you guessed it, heat... I havn't been able to get her fixed yet but plan on doing it when she is not in heat (she seems to be constantly in heat!!!!)

Following the information above I figured I could buy myself at least one night of sleep with the darn cat. My boyfriend and I grab a Q-tip and go to town. One of us pinning her down and the other going to town with the Q-tip..

The sounds that a cat makes in this situation is anything but describable... which is how we think this writeup may fall short. There's a confusing blend of hissing, screaming, loving, and biting that results from any of the above suggested stimuli. She'll hate you. She'll love you. She'll run away from you, but then timidly crawl back...with her ass rubbing against the carpet. This is the strangest, most confusing experience of our lives. Am I hurting her? Does she love it? Does she love me? Will I be able to sleep tonight? Am I helping at all, or did I just cross over into some weird world of animal porn that I never even knew existed? Most importantly...Will our relationship ever be the same?

If you are not ready to face questions such as these (as well as questions about yourself that your mind can't even begin to formulate), I would do some serious soul-searching before trying any of the techniques described here.

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