"It wasn't me!. I swear sir, I swear I didn't break that window, it was one of my brother's mates he was mental he came round to the computer room and smashed it up."
"Hmmm, one of your brother's mates? What school did this boy come from?"
"He's left school now sir, he's totally mental he was in a detention center most of the time. I swear he did it sir, on my mother's life."
Time stood still for a moment.
Let me explain: this dialogue was between the Headteacher of my school, Mr Hill, and my best mate Mostaque, I was in the office keeping my gob shut. The school computer room has been wrecked during a lunchbreak and the school rumours were Mostaque did it and I was somehow involved (no idea how I was involved, apparently I just was, how I love school justice).
I honestly wasn't involved however, so I kept it simple and told Mr Hill I was at home during lunchbreak and my family were my witnesses.
But not Mostaque.
Known for being a big joker even in the direst situations, and here we were both looking at suspension so it was a pretty dire one. Mostaque just could not bloody resist the opportunity to make a teacher, the headteacher, look really really stupid. Thus this incredible Keyser Soze excuse - it was a fairly incredible name to believe even before people had heard of The Usual Suspects.
As soon as I heard Mostaque utter the words "Keyser Soze" I went very very pale and was glad I had already been ordered earlier to "Sit down and Shut up" otherwise I probably would have collapsed into my chair and been lost for words.
This is due to three issues.
- The previous weekend myself and Mostaque watched a pirated copy of this new, cult and still as yet mostly unheard of movie called The Usual Suspects. We thought it was an excellent movie! "Keyser Soze is like so cool, huh huh!!"
- That Mr Hill is not only the mean and intense Headteacher of my school but also a mean and very intense Media Studies teacher of mine. The previous day he brought as a rare treat a new, cult and still as yet generally unheard of movie called "The Usual Suspects" so our class could look at the superb narrative, camera angles, and do a textual analysis of it.
- Mostaque didn't know that.
"Really? Keyser Soze?"
"Honest sir, you can ask my brother."
By the grace of god I was excused at that moment and ran out of that evil room, so I don't know what what was said or had occurred after that but Mostaque wasn't "required" to be in school for two weeks. When he returned he looked as if he had been through a very painful lobotomy.