There are times in a man's life when he just wants a relationship based purely on sex, but cannot get such a thing from women. Maybe he is using the wrong approach. Maybe he is isolated from available women. Maybe he is just too poor and icky to get such a relationship. Or maybe he's just kinky. In any case, some men turn to chickens for solace. Larry Flynt claims that he did this once at the age of nine, and if you follow the simple instructions below, you two can be getting the chicks in no time at all.

Before I go any further, I have to admit that I am writing up this node based on information a document that I saw about 5 years ago, specifically an article from Easy Rider magazine. I wanted to find the article or some other HOWTO before I went any further, but when I told another noder about it, he immediately nodeshelled this. So now I am forced to give you the scraps that I can remember before one of the NRT shows up and does a half-assed job. If I have made any technical errors, please feel free to add your own experiences below.

You will need:

  1. A penis.
  2. A hen.
  3. Lubricant.
  4. A knife (optional).

Instructions

  1. Like any woman, a chicken needs to be in a relaxed and receptive mood before you can successfully have sex with it. If you do not make sure of this, you will end up covered in scratches and peck marks in locations that will be hard to explain. Gently pick the chicken up in both hands and stroke it slowly, so that it becomes accustomed to sitting in your hand. Making soft clucking noises is also a good seduction tip.
  2. Get your penis nice and lubricated, and place the head at the entry of the chicken butt. I'm calling it a butt, but it acts as a vagina, an anus, and a urethra all in one (actually, chickens only have one form of elimination). You need to be erect when you do this, because otherwise, it will be hard to enter your new girlfriend.
  3. Slowly push your penis inside the chicken. You should have one hand on the neck of the bird, just below the head, so that it cannot peck you. The other hand may need to hold the feet to prevent scratching. Try to keep the bird as calm as you can as you do this.
  4. If a chicken butt can accomodate a Grade AAA egg, it can expand to fit your dick, albeit somewhat tightly. However, the butt is not all that deep, and you will hit bottom fairly quickly. Don't try and push the limits here, just be glad that you're getting some.
  5. If you want, you can wait for your chicken to calm down. However, you're never going to get much play from the bird either way, so you might as well go ahead and fuck it. Use short, gentle strokes.
  6. OPTIONAL STEP: If you have plenty of chickens, or if you are hungry, or if it's just come time to break up with your chicken, then you can make your last night a memorable one by slitting the bird's throat at the moment of your orgasm. This will cause some strong twitching that can add some spice to your experience.
And that's all there is to it! Have fun. And remember: chickens carry salmonella, which is transmitted from the anus to the mouth. So if you believe that your significant other has been having sex with chickens, make sure that his cock is cleaned thoroughly before you give him oral sex.
I learned this from my girlfriend Sandy. She was my first serious girlfriend. The ones before her always joked around. I don't think we were much older than 13 or 14 - and she was a lot more experienced than I was. Before I met her I had only mostly made out with girls - you know what I mean by "make out" - kissing, necking, a little touching the breast above the shirt, maybe fully clothed rubbing against one another, some anal fingering, that kind of stuff. But Sandy was way more experienced. And sure enough, after about two months, our sex life had run out of ideas. We were tired of the missionary, doggie style, 69, sideways, shower sex, pile driver, and even the Richard Nixon position was getting old. The saucy French Maid outfits didn't do it for me any more, sex in public no longer offered the adrenaline rush, and we had long ceased videotaping ourselves. Basically, we needed a change.

After a week of trying out everything the Amsterdam Sex Shop had to offer, we decided that what we needed is to have a menage a trois (English for menage a trois). We set our sights on a timid boy named Roy. When I say 'timid', I use that in the most euphemistic sense possible. The guy was a total chicken. He was afraid of his own shadow. You'd think I'm using that as a metaphor, but I'm not; he seriously was afraid of his own shadow. He said it followed him around. I tell you, the guy was a looney. Anyway, we befriended Roy, but he would cringe as if I was going to hit him whenever I came to shake his hand. And he wouldn't let Sandy kiss him on the cheek. He backed away whenever I passed him a joint, and he would hardly shoot up at all with us.

One day we got him to agree to come sleep over at Sandy's parents' home. He got there after dinner. We let him in the back door, because he was too chicken to meet her folks. Upstairs, in her bedroom, we sat on the bed. We passed around the bottle of JB, and when Sandy gave Roy the bottle, he said he was afraid to drink straight from the bottle, because he had once banged his teeth on the bottle opening. And Sandy said to him, "You know what? I think that what you need is a good blowjob."

And suddenly he snapped, as if from a spell. And he didn't seem afraid anymore. He had confidence in his eyes. And lust. But then again, that was Sandy, so how could anyone not have lust? He took the bottle and took a giant swig*. I think he even banged his teeth on it, but he didn't waver. And then he started opening Sandy's blouse.

"You're not a chicken anymore?" she asked him. And he said, "No, Sandy, thanks to you, I've got my courage back."

"This is no fun, then," Sandy and I both said, and she added, "right, off you go." And off he went, but through the front door this time.

Undejected, we went to the backyard, where the chicken coop was. We took a chicken up to Sandy's room and fucked it silly.


*not to be confused with a giant squid.

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