It's always bothered me that most suggestions for PGGB's using Earth ingredients don't even try to pay homage to the original. Arcturan Mega-gin would suggest gin, yes? Qualactin Hypermint extract would suggest something mint-flavoured, like peppermint schnapps, or perhaps creme de menthe? No, we get ten shots of bourbon layered with Baileys and Cointreau, or something equally stupid. Nobody adds the one thing we can get on earth, an olive. They're also pissweak to boot.

I remember paying AUS$13 for a PGGB at the Sheraton Casino in Townsville, Australia in the early 90s. I got something in a balloon glass that was just a mixture of white spirits, some different coloured Voks and something frothy on top, with a red cross (???) of Grenadine. Sheesh.


The Ol' Janx Spirit bit:

Get a bottle of Polish Pure Spirit (it's 80% alcohol, and where I live comes in 375ml bottles, and I have it on good authority that like Ol' Janx, miners actually drink it. Alternatively, use that reflux still you have in your closet to distill some 96% ethanol). While the original instructions are vague (how much juice, exactly?), for your carbon-based metabolisms it's enough to use a single measure (45ml - about 36ml of alcohol, or the same as 2 and a bit measures of standard spirits). Of course, you can take the instructions literally, and use the whole bottle - the equivalent of about 22 shots of standard spirits. The mint flavour will be somewhat diluted. This will likely be the least of your problems.

The Arcturan Mega-gin bit:

Get three measures of gin from the freezer and chuck it in. (If you really want, you can add some benzene so it tastes just like the Arcturan stuff - it's carcinogenic in humans, but isn't everything?)

The Fallian marsh gas bit:

Nitrous. Suck on a bulb if you want an idea of how the hikers in the Fallian marshes may have felt. Hook up your Soda Stream, and run a bulb of nitrous through the drink. If you're using the whole bottle of pure spirit, I'm sure some passing crazy person could tell you how many bulbs you'd need for the four litres of gas described in the recipe.

Qualactin Hypermint extract bit:

Over the back of a silver spoon, float a measure of peppermint schnapps (the real Austrian 40-70% stuff they used as rocket fuel in WW2 if you can get it, not the 20% 'liqueur' - again, not a problem if you have your own still).

The Angolian sun-tiger tooth bit:

Drop in a Berocca. Or a Hairy Lemon. Something bright and sunny that dissolves, yeah?

The Zamphour bit:

You could use camphor for a really unusual taste - best to avoid it if you're pregnant, and you're on your own to work out doses. I sprinkle over some sumac. No idea why I decided to use sumac - it was just the first thing that popped into my head when I thought of an alien-sounding flavoring that could be sprinkled. Anyway, the lemon goes well with the mint, and it looks purty.

The olive bit:

Add an olive.

Drink... but... very carefully...

What about the Santraginean sea water bit? I couldn't think of an Earth equivalent for sea water that washed over marble beaches and gave off heady fumes and caused the fish to not care which way they swam, so I left it out. I've seen a goldfish in methylated spirits before, and he didn't look like he cared about much, so I guess you could use that.

If you're using 45ml (1.5oz) measures, this recipe will make a 225ml drink with around 96ml of alcohol (assuming you're using 20-something percent schnapps) which is about the same as 6 shots of a standard spirit. If a 'measure' is a large handmade Mexican tequila shot glass or the best guess of your drunken sister-in-law, well, your mileage may vary.

You can get the whole thing down in a couple of swallows - the lemon slice bit follows shortly thereafter.