you hate the train and how it keeps you, holds you from everywhere for so long and there is nothing aside from the time that slides along the universe surface, it does not seem to change, not fast enough for you.
i am in another world there, trapped in a train i am shielded and i have you, fully, beside me and i feel you so much more, always, after being so near for so long. it wipes away so much doubt, fear, sometimes i need to be that sheltered.
it all moves too fast out here, beyond the train, the window paintings trickling streams, water crawling over last-year-leaves, and everyone is so frail, so on the edge.
humans are soft little creatures, emotionally, physically, we are weak and these past few days have shown me pain, love, compassion, hurt. and they have shown me how i feel, and what i want from all of this.
i love so many people. i want to cradle so many heads to my chest, and erase so much from too many lives.. and i realize that it isn't possible. it scares me, how the years slipped by, how they'll keep slipping by and all i can do is believe they will hold enough to keep me from feeling each moment that i've lost, will lose. to remind me that they aren't lost at all, but lived.
i need you to know: i want so badly to share this universe with you, always. i want to be the one to hold you through everything, and i want to be able to give you myself, without all of this instability. i am afraid because i know you don't feel ready for what i am more than ready to dive into. i am afraid because i know i can wait, but i can't promise i'll hold together so well while i wait. i am afraid that i will crumble and my pieces scattered everywhere will be too much for you, i know they'll be too much for me.
i want to look into the next few months and feel as if everything will be fine, and to know that i can handle time away from here, without feeling less than alive. i don't want to know that life is too short. i am so tired of knowing that.
when i am not feeling all of this, i am simply in love. with you. with everything. i am happier than i have ever been, in many ways, but i am on such shake'y ground that threatens to knock me over all too frequently.
i need you all to know, i am trying.
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