http://www.wunderland.com/WTS/Ginohn/cetera/hankisms.html

HANKISMS by John Cooper -- thanks to Rev. Jim Huber
(with additional contributions from Eric Zuckerman, Nick Walker, St. Chris, Trenchcoat, Kevin Ausman, Jens Ayton, Robin Thompson, and Diane Donaldson)

Christian Fundamentalism - Kiss Hank's ass and He'll give you a million dollars when you leave town. If you don't, He's going to kick the shit out of you.

Catholicism - Hank will give you a million dollars when you leave town, if He feels like it. We think that if you kiss His ass you're more likely to get the million, but it's completely up to him. Oh, and He might kick the shit out of you before He gives you the million dollars. By the way, we have old, elaborate buildings that you can use to kiss Hank's ass.

Protestantism - It's OK, you don't have to kiss Hank's ass -- but you'll want to, if you trust Him. If you don't trust Him, He's going to kick the shit out of you when you leave town. If you do trust Him, He'll give you a million dollars when you leave town.

Islamic Fundamentalism - Kiss Hank's ass and He'll give you a million dollars when you leave town. If you don't, we're going to kick the shit out of you, and we might even make you leave town early.

Weak Atheism - Who is this Hank person, anyhow? I've never seen him. I think you guys are just making him up!

Mormonism - If you kiss Hank's ass, after you leave town He'll give you a million dollars. PLUS, if any of your relatives have already left town, He'll give them a million dollars, too! By the way, we have new, elaborate buildings that you can use to kiss Hank's ass, if you give us money.

Judaism - OK, so don't kiss Hank's ass, see if I care. He wouldn't give you a million dollars even if you did. And if He's going to kick the shit out of anyone, it'll be here, in town.

Strong Atheism - There is no such person as Hank, and there is nothing outside of town. Take me off this list.

Rastafarianism - Hank was just here last week and I was kissing His ass, but for some reason He left town without giving me a million dollars. Oh well -- guess I'll smoke some weed.

Scientology - You will be just like Hank once you learn how to kiss your own ass (which, for a small fee, we can show you how to do), and then you can give yourself a million dollars. If you make fun of us while we're kissing our asses, we're going to kick the shit out of you, 'cause we're amazing.

Discordianism - Look! Hank just kissed my ass! Oh, never mind, that's a pimple... Hey look! Flowers! Oh, my mistake -- it's just a million dollars. Hey look! That cloud looks like a bunny!

Unitarianism - Hank 101: We help you explore all of the different people named Hank that may or may not be out there, and how to maybe get your million dollars, if it exists. Various methods of kissing Hank's ass are discussed, with extra credit for completed experiments.

Confucianism - Kiss the asses of your relatives who have left town, and someday your progeny will kiss yours.

Taoism - All asses and all dollars are all part of the great One.

Hinduism - You can Kiss Hank's ass, Sue's ass, and/or Bob's nose. If you leave town and nobody gives you a million dollars, you will probably end up coming back to town to kiss someone else's ass.

Nation of Islam - We have stars on ours, so we can kiss Hank's ass properly. Those without stars on thars are bad people; they will never get a million dollars.

Buddhism - Hank left a million dollars in your house. You can find the million dollars, but only if you forget that it is in your house.

I Ching - Persevere to kiss ass -- riches will follow. No blame.

Wicca - Kiss Hank's ass once and He'll kiss yours three times.

Satanism - What the hell, kiss knaH's ass.

Heaven's Gate - Hey, we just saw Hank's limo drive by. We're leaving town NOW to catch it.

Zen Buddhism - What is the sound of one lip kissing ass? If you answer this question correctly, you can win a million dollars, but even before you get it you won't want it. Would you like some tea?

Jehovah's Witnesses - Ten thousand people in this town Kiss Hank's ass, but only 144 are going to get a million dollars after Hank burns the town down, which we think will be real soon now. Here, have a pamphlet; it describes what we think we mean. We'll be back tomorrow to talk some more.

New Age Christian - You are Hank. You have a million dollars, but You've forgotten it because of the trauma of Your Catholic upbringing. My new workshop series will help You remember where You hid it.

SubGenius - KISS YOUR OWN ASS! "Hank" is an ALIEN UNDERWATER BANKER from the Island of the FAMOUS SEX ACTRESSES and...oh, just send us $3 already.

Exodus Ministries - We love you, and we want to help you heal yourself of this terrible sickness of eating weiners The Wrong Way. Let us teach you to enjoy wieners only in buns, without condiments. Then, and only then, will you be worthy of kissing Hank's ass and collecting your million dollars when you leave town.

Shinto - Hank is in the woods by the park right now. You should take a hike and kiss his ass. If you become famous you might want to change your name to "Hank" after you leave town, and then you can come back to the woods and the townies will kiss your ass.

Ethical Humanism - Let's kiss each other's asses, and then we can all share the hundred thousand dollar ass-kissing reward. Whether you go for Hank's million dollars too is your own business.

Gnosticism - Hank was a powerful con man who made a lot of trouble while he was here, left town a while back and doesn't have a cent to his name. But there's a rumor of Somebody Else with loads of money Somewhere, whose ass is certainly worth kissing.

Christian Science - Kiss Hank's ass and He'll give you a million dollars and free health insurance. If you don't kiss His ass, you'll have to pay all the doctor bills.

Egyptian (archaic) - Hank is still in town, but will get a million dollars from Bob, Joan, and Martha when he leaves. You can get some too, if you can hitch a ride in his limo.

Greco-Roman (archaic) - Hank and his (dysfunctional) family are suffering from some trust issues, and aren't giving out any money. It doesn't matter whose ass you kiss; the others will kick the shit out of you.

Quaker - Hey, there's no need to pay any attention to Karl or his list. If you wait for it long enough, you'll eventually get a phone call from Hank. He'll let you know how to get a million dollars, what the moon is really made of, etc. You can kiss his ass over the phone, if you like.

Baha'i - It's true! When you leave town Hank will give you a million dollars. Everything that you hear about Hank has some truth to it; eventually we'll all come to some agreement and everybody in town will be much happier. Oh, one more little thing: Hank definitely doesn't want you to eat weiners unless they're on buns, without condiments.

Asatru (archaic) - Hank joined a motorcycle gang and left town, but He shows up every now and then. If you want to join His gang and get the shit kicked out of you by another gang, all you have to do is kick the shit out of people who deserve it (or, alternatively, write really kickass rock and roll lyrics) until somebody makes you leave town.

Judaism (archaic) - If you are nice to one of Hank's close personal friends, they will kiss Hank's ass for you, and you'll get some money right away. If you get the shit kicked out of you instead, it's your own damn fault. Keep trying.