fart

Miscellaneous Observations

Classification of Farts

The Common Fart

The garden variety; usually audible, but subtle enough to be blamed on the cat or dog; its presence is announced by a decided change in the atmosphere; in a group of people conversation may stop for a moment, but continues almost immediately

The Anxious Fart

These are common in small crowds of people like elevators; the sound is tentative and timid, often in a series, which of course has no effect on a fart's lethal effect on the atmosphere; these are produced when the farter lacks the strength of his convictions

The Threatening Fart

These are often quite audible owning to a somewhat moist nature of the sound, suggesting that this is more than "sound and fury, signifying nothing;" this type of fart have been known to stain undergarments... or worse

The Strained Fart

This is a fart that is often produced by straining, either unrelated to the fart, like coughing and farting at the same time, or in a deliberate effort to release the gas and face the music immediately

The Constipated Fart

This is often produced by the anally retentive and uptight farter; the sound is high-pitched and preluctant; people who produce this kind of fart obviously do not take any pleasure in the activity

The Pleasure Fart

These are the most gratifying because of the obvious pleasure in producing it; the sound may last for some while owing to the large amount of gas released; men are often given to this class of farting, it has been suggested, because it is the closest they will come to birthing a baby

Fart Statistics

• the average daily number of farts ran to about about 9.15; females admitted to 3.28 per day while the men admited to 13.63
• When dating or in a monogamous relationship, people wait on an average 92.77 days before openly farting in the presence of the beloved; 62.98 days for men and 149.82 days for the women.
• Quoting Jean Genet's remark that "every man loves the smell of his own farts" the respondents were asked if they have ever farted into the cupped hand and smelled it at close hand, so to speak. An honest 21% admitted that hey had; 10% thought the idea sick. I have no idea what the others said.