I used to work at this company. Let's call it Mike. My relationship with Mike was just like anyone else's with their employer. I spent eight hours of every day with Mike, forty hours of every week. We were close. We were comfortable. But things had changed...
When I first got together with Mike, it was casual. We were in a position to help each other out. It was supposed to be a one time thing. To be candid, I was with someone else at the time. Mike knew that and respected it, hell, was even glad of it. The bottom line is that neither of us were looking for a full-time thing. The last thing I expected was for Mike to come back around with claims of, "I need you," and "I can't go on without you." I fell. Oh god, did I fall. I packed my things and moved them over to Mike's offices.
Those first heady spring months, Mike was my everything. We had such big plans - an intranet, web standards, an IPO. Together, we were unstoppable. I don't want to sound bitter, but I blame Mike for how we ended up. Mike began to have less and less time for me. Oh sure, the money kept coming, but the warmth was gone. I tried to do things to make Mike happy, and I was lucky to get a terse "thanks." I began to seek fullfilment elsewhere.
Awakening
By now, it was late summer. As I skulked around downtown on my way back to Mike, I saw younger girls giddily darting to internships and interviews, happy, free, enjoying all the things I was missing. Through the internet, I met a young startup. Adorable, naive, not even a business plan. I reasoned that Mike would never know, that it wouldn't detract from what little we had left together.
For a moment, the startup, Wes, satisfied me. It was love, alright, but it was one-sided. I'd been around the track a few times and Wes was, well, confused. And as often happens with these immature development projects, Wes had kind of a quick release schedule, and I didn't get very much out of it.
Rebirth
Though I'm certain it won't make sense to anyone who hasn't gone through the same thing, Wes inspired me not to renew my devotion to Mike, but to seek more action "on the side". The freedom I experienced with Wes was a breath of fresh air, and I could not fathom being cooped up again without it.
I suggested gently to Mike that we'd grown apart. I worded it every way I could think of. To my surprise, after the months of distance and disinterest, Mike was not ready to let me go. We agreed that Mike would continue to focus on Mike Stuff and I would be free to get employment from whomever I chose. As long as I was there when Mike needed me. My eyes welled up. It was so easy, once we began communicating, and it saved our relationship as employer and employee.
Exploration
At first I was delicate in my courtship of other businesses. I didn't know the protocol. Most wanted someone full-time or not at all. One recruiter was clearly repulsed when I explained why I couldn't commit. "Sorry," he told me, "We're not in the business of providing leads to people like you." I had a lot of doors slamming in my face, me all the time stammering and trying to explain that I couldn't be happy with just one employer.
So I settled for what I could get, which was quickie jobs from the internet. In addition to Mike, and Wes, who would disappear only to come crawling back, I went through six other clients by Christmas. Six clients and no promises.
I was free and, for the moment, taken care of, but I began to miss the security I'd had with Mike. I could work for whomever I chose, but work itself was beginning to lose any meaning. So many different faces moved through my life, wanting me only for as long as it took to develop an e-commerce storefront, throwing cash at my feet and shrugging, "We'll call you if we need you again."
Disillusionment
Things got hard after Christmas. I found that my little consulting business had no suitors. None of the old ones were coming around anymore. Wes and I fought, and things got ugly. I'd delivered everything I'd promised, but Wes wanted more. There were threats.
Mike knew none of this. I was ashamed of the truth and feared it coming out, but I needed something. Soon. I was desperate. If I hadn't been, I would never have considered Walter.
I wasn't sure at first what Walter was looking for. But Walter was interested in me, and that being the rarity it was, it was worth me shaving my legs and putting on high heels to see what kind of potential we had together. The first time we got together was amazing. I walked home genuinely excited and enlightened. The second time was nerve-wracking. I still didn't know what Walter wanted from me and was afraid I'd be forced to turn down an unwelcome offer.
Realization
I was pleasantly surprised. Walter wanted what I wanted, but not in the same way Mike did. Our interactions would be scheduled, dependable. Walter was offering a reliability I didn't have with Mike, without asking more of me than I was able to give. I was still free to have other clients (as though I could find the time!), but I would no longer need to.
The situation, of course, is not perfect. While we're all adults and everyone is ostensibly ok with what's going on, some of the things you take for granted in a single-employer/single-employee relationship are missing, and that can lead to tensions. I try to approach this delicately. It came up today, for instance.
Walter: Can you come by tomorrow?
me: Uh.. Probably not, Walter. I would have needed to change my plans. A little earlier.
(It was around 4:30.)
Walter: You said you could stop by if I needed you.
me: I'm really sorry... I have a... another commitment.
Walter: Fine. I guess Friday will have to be soon enough.
Occasionally there are hurt feelings, but on the whole I believe it's more satisfying for everyone. And we're all being true to ourselves, which is the most important thing. I don't need a full-time, long-term employer, and Mike and Walter don't really have the energy to keep up with a web developer like me.
Judge me if you must, but I bet you'd like consulting if you tried it. |
