blackjack

A casino gambling game, played with one or more decks of playing cards. Between one and six (sometimes seven) players compete individually against a dealer who represents the House. The goal of each player is to create a hand worth more than the dealer's, but no more than 21.

Players sit along one side of a table, facing the dealer on the other side. Each has an area to place a bet and a place for their "cards". There are other features like the "insurance" area. Hint: Never take insurance at Blackjack, kiddies¹.

Each player is dealt two (2) cards. The dealer is also dealt two cards, one face up, and the other face down. The cards are added to a total. All face cards count 10. The Ace cards count 1 or 11 at the player's option. The object is to come as close to 21 as possible without going over.

Starting with the player on the dealer's extreme left, each player may another card, or pass. If the cards add up to more than 21, the player is bust and loses immediately. The player may continue taking cards until he or she wishes to stop, or busts.

Each player in turn takes cards, the dealer going last. The dealer must stop as soon as the House hand totals 17 or more.

After the dealer finishes, everyone still in the game compares their hand to the dealer's. If the dealer busts they all win. Otherwise the players with a higher score win an amount equal to their bet - unless they have Blackjack. This is a two card hand totalling 21 - and Ace and a ten, jack, queen or king. a true "black jack" need not be present. this hand pays 3:2.

There are many special plays that increase the player's chances. There are tables which indicate which plays to make under all circumstances. And there are buxom and/or leggy ladies in skimpy outfits bringing free drinks. To deal with all these hazards, see one of many excellent books on the topic, and good luck to you!

So, I'm in Vegas back in '82. I'm at a blackjack table winnin' enough money to pay my bill and maybe have a crack at that "big wheel," if you know what I mean. My fingernails are long 'cause I'm into finger picking at the time.

I'm at this one table where this little white girl is lookin' at me out of one eye. There's a Jewish grandma on one side yellin', "Gimme some caads, goddammit!" There's a Texas cowboy on the other side goin', "Hey, sweetie, hit me like you ain't never hit nobody before!"

I'm minding my own business, winning a lot of money. But, the little cracker girl dealing is gettin' upset at me; she's gonna get called on the carpet 'cause I'm whoopin' her ass. Plus, I can tell she don't like my Southern accent one bit.

I order a new drink. (Hell, you can't get drunk on those drinks; that's why they're free.) Gin and tonic. She deals. I do what I been doin' since I got here. I flip the down card up with my thumbnail. All of a sudden, she's in a down-home, get your ass off my porch, rage.

"Quit doing that!"

"Quit doin' what?"

"Quit using your fingernails to look at the cards."

"Why?"

"You're marking the cards."

I took the back of my hand and knocked that gin and tonic all over her and her damn deck. "I guess they're all marked now, ain't they?"

Ever been thrown out of a casino by two big guys named Vito?

Contrary to popular belief, Blackjack is not one of the best games to play in a casino. While the game is simple in concept, and easy to learn, the knowlege needed to be a good Blackjack player is almost frightening in scope and complexity. The house edge varies depending on the skill of the player - from just under 1% for masters of the game (Not counting card counting tricks, which become increasingly less useful as the casinos employ methods to thwart this practice), to 10% for the average player, to over 20% for particularly bad players. And yet, almost every single player who sits down at that table is convinced he knows everything there is to know about the game.

The house preys on this illusion. Limited player knowledge is power, and money in the bank, to them. However, the house will happily educate you - to a limited degree - as an attempt to keep you from learning too much. When they control the information, they determine how much you can learn about the game. They want players to rely on fallible memory to remember when to double down, or split, or surrender. "Never surrender," says the House. Optimum strategy says there ARE times when it's wise to surrender - if the house allows it, which most don't. The methods that the House teaches will ensure a house edge of around 10%, which is well above the edge of many other games the house offers. Don't look to the dealer for help, though. Many of them are gambling addicts themselves, and don't know proper strategy. The only interest they have in you is whether you'll tip when you win.

Where to begin? This song begins with strange haunting lurking pounding bass noise of Jaws fame. Then weird voices begin to take turns saying "black jack" and "big black betty," and they say different warped versions of this over top of each other, in low voices, getting louder and louder until they are hysterically screaming. When one of them says "indian black betty," he bursts into very loud hysterical laughter which lasts about a minute, and is followed by fake two-voiced crying. Just when you think the song is over, it starts up again for a second, then finally ends. Ween has a habit of doing this with their song endings.

This is a rather creepy song to listen to, but your brain starts spinning in a sort of dismayed "what the fuck??" way when the laughter starts and then the crying. When it starts back up again after you thought it was over, you are likely to either laugh hysterically yourself or shoot your stereo.

This song is © 1990 by Ween, Twin/Tone records.

Next song on this album: Squelch the Weasel

I saw some Blackjack in a store once and I bought it, just to try it out. It was awesome. I assumed they had it at all grocery stores. Unfortunately, they don't, so I should have stocked up while I had the chance. When in doubt, stock up. My girlfriend ignored that advice when we were in Finland and now she doesn't have any Salmiakki to show her friends.

There is a Seinfeld episode where Blackjack makes a cameo appearance. I don't know the number, but it's the one where his girlfriend is forcing him to guess her name. While she's in the restroom, he starts going through her purse to find her driver's licence, and unearths a pack of Blackjack. "Blackjack?" He winces. Who chews Blackjack anyways?

A blackjack is a deadly weapon.

It consists of a thick leather tube, less than a foot in length, with a cylindrical lead slug in each end and a stiff spring in the middle. In a typical blackjack, the diameter of the slugs is greater than the diameter of the spring. In the past, before metal springs were available, multiple flexible slivers of springy wood were used to create the spring action.

To use it, grip one end and smack the other end against an opponent. The force that a blackjack generates will crush bones. A strike to the head will likely result in a killing blow.

A sap is sometimes confused with a blackjack, however it is not a deadly weapon. It's a narrow leather bag filled with fine lead shot that is gripped in the fist and extends out to one side where it can add a considerable amount of extra force to a punch. The loose nature of the shot prevents it from shattering bone.