You'll never know how much you've changed me

(idea) by kermitov (6 mon) (print) ? (I like it!) 1 C! Tue Jun 01 2004 at 10:39:31

I finish drying myself off and fold the towel neatly, hanging it on the rack. I step into the bedroom, gather the dirty clothes I just took off and drop them in the laundry basket. I sit on the bed for a moment, enjoying the cool air and fresh from the shower feeling.

I smile ever so slightly. A year ago the towel would be on the bathroom floor and the dirty clothes would be... well... everywhere. Not that I place a lot of value in perfect order... I am still not as obsessive as you were... my desk is still cluttered, and there is dust on the shelves.

I can no longer lie to myself and say that I was always happy. You made me happy for a while. But you also made me realize that happiness is not the company we keep. You were the most intelligent person I knew and you acted like you had a great personality. But you were holding on to the life-vision you had for yourself and I could tell almost right away that I was only in it out of fear. Your personality was molded to fit mine. It wasn't really you, and every once in a while the real you would break out. I never liked the real you.

Why did I go through with it? There's a ring that I still sometimes wear on my finger, more out of habit than anything. It used to symbolize a vow I made to you. I went through with it because I was chasing acceptance, a family that I never had, and an escape from the crushing loneliness I felt because I wasn't good enough to hang out with myself.

When you announced that you were leaving it hurt me in ways I had never even imagined. Ways a person should never ever be hurt. I begged, I cried, I promised I would change. You turned a deaf ear to all of it. You had made up your mind.

Once you were gone, however, the freedom I felt was overpowering. I did what I wanted without you standing over my shoulder attempting to mold me into your vision. I kept expecting the crash to come and it never did. I finally accepted the fact that I wasn't happy either. No matter how much I told myself we had the perfect marriage, it never would have been.

That was a year ago. Between then and now I have fought the demons of a child of an abusive, alcoholic father. I learned to stop sabotaging my happiness. I lost 25 pounds and am still losing weight. You, however, are calling and begging me to take you back. Flirting with me relentlessly. Acting like the person I fell in love with.

And it hurts me to think there's a chance that you'll never know how much you've changed me.

printable version
chaos

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