He isn't asleep, only waiting for me to turn my head and stare at
him, His eyes, half closed, reflect bits of dim light leaking through
the blinds and his hand is flat across his bare chest. I'm quiet and
angry. I shift towards the edge of the bed and he moves, enveloping me
with his arms and pulling me back to him. His mouth is on my ear, his
breath quiet and warm against me, his skin is hot against my back. I
don't want to be here, I don't want him to be this close- because I know that
this is so fucking fleeting. Experiencing him is drinking too much and
waking up sick and hung-over. He needs to shave, thoughts that
buzz in my head, my lips are raw from kissing him - as are his, red and
chapped. I hate this closeness with him because it will be over and I'll
let him go and I'll hold my mouth shut while he pretends this isn't
reality. This has never been real- to him. He will sink into his
reality and we will vanish into that fog. I don't say a word but he feels my
body tighten to pull away and he holds me harder. He wraps his legs around
mine and imprisons me. This is what it is to experience him- pinned and
helpless- he is so much stronger and I hate him for using it against
me so many times. "Don't get up yet," Words that buzz in my
ear. His breath still smells of alcohol, he never gets hung-over
and I hate him for this too. "Just lay here for a little while."
I can't relax, I can only give in for a little longer- this isn't my choice
now as I'm pinned to him- and his lips brush across my neck and my skin breaks
into goosebumps. The longer he does this the angrier I get - I'm furious at my
body for loving this feeling and showing it to him. I try to force my way out
of bed; but I can't move and he's here and he won't be later. In the
back of my mind I keep thinking if I can just get up and leave here I'll be
OK. He'll stop playing these games. He'll stop making me a fool.
I know I can keep him if I reject him - because I'm stronger than he is- and
this is just what he wants right now. As long as I don't turn around
everything will be just fine... | 
