Wouldn't it be nice if I could remember her as a firework

created by junkpile

(person) by Scout Finch (7.2 hr) (print) ? (I like it!) 4 C!s Thu Jul 10 2003 at 6:05:42

"Do you remember when I was beautiful?"

I nod my head up and down. A few months ago I would have told her that she is still beautiful. Now I just agree with whatever she says. She knows no truth except her own.

"Those were the days, huh? We were so cool back then. So pretty."

I nod. I sigh. I yawn. I laugh. I shut my eyes. I sink down into the hard leather chair. She expects me to sleep here, so I am trying. The heater beside me kicks on, even though it is only September and still warm. She gets cold a lot easier now, so I do not complain.

Her head is shaved and she is sporting a new dress and a new bracelet. If I hadn't caught up with her in the last year I would not recognize her. She has changed so much since college. Back then she used to be so full of energy, bubbly. She had long, gorgeous, straight, brown hair without a single split end in sight. She wore light blue eye shadow with a hint of purple. These days she prefers not to wear make up. She says "Be natural, dayflower."

"Tell me, um, tell me one thing you remember about me."

There is not one thing I can remember. There are millions of things. Like when she stole my date to the homecoming dance, junior year of high school. It's funny now. Or the way she would flirt with the swim team guys after practice. I refresh her memory about the time she found the "Booby Poem" by Chad Durdin in her locker.

She laughs. "Your breasts like Candyland. I want to fall down your shoots and ladders. You have a monopoly over me," she recites.

Chad tried to be a poet. Instead he misspelled monopoly and forgot to punctuate.

She looks down at her chest. "I wonder where those poem inspirations are now."

In a jar. In a zip lock. Toxic waste.

She sighs. "It's not gone you know. The doctors say it spread before they got to it. Radiation isn't strong enough." She smiles a fake smile.

I pretend to get something out of my overnight bag so that maybe she won't see the tear on my cheek.

This is my best friend. My best friend with breast cancer. My best friend who will not walk in another Relay For Life. My best friend who is dying. This is my best friend.

Her words "one thing you remember about me" keep replaying over and over in my head. Wouldn't it be nice if I could remember her as a firework? The truth is I'll probably remember her bald and breastless. I'll see mental pictures of her in that blue-grey gown, too weak to get out of bed. I'll see myself, standing over her, holding her to keep her from falling over as she vomits in the hospital commode. I will remember the flame she had that fizzled.

God, please, let me remember her as a firework.

see: sunset. Coca-Cola, cookie crumbs, just waking up.

printable version
chaos

Sunset. Coca-Cola, cookie crumbs, just waking up.	"It was wrong to do this," said the angel	I would have liked thunder when she left	I haven't seen her in a month. She is still beautiful.
I woke up and was an instant scribbling fiend. crazy, my poor feverish brain	Her innocence fell. She kicked at it some, frowned, and left it there because it was beautiful.	a woman with sea-green eyes	The boys did not know it. They were just being beautiful, and I got to watch.
This was when I knew my childhood was over	I am stretched on your grave	Color Bar Generator	Speed chess, confessions of a positional player
Congratulations: you are living a life devoid of any serious problems	Windows and bedcovers	I wonder when I learned to smile when I was being hurt	Tiny sections of time which curl into memories
enjoyable	Falling in love with your best friend	A pillow of smoke for a luminous new year	Pillows, disregarded
Fireworks and apple pie and Fourth of July	How to Photograph Fireworks	Send me the pillow, the one that you dream on	Cooler than the other side of the pillow

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