Wog Day is the official U.S. Navy 'ceremony' that deals with crossing the
equator while aboard a deployed ship. I am sure that civilian ships and
non-U.S. navies also have their equivalent however I have not heard either
way as to whether or not this actually goes on there. If anyone knows I
invite any additional amplification that you might have as to the nature of
a non-military or foriegn military equatorial crossings. Apologies for the
geocentrism.
What it is:
This starts usually about a week from the actual date that the equator is
actually crossed, typically people who have not crossed the 'line' (called
Wogs,) are given various 'watches' and subjected to low-level mockery
designed to make the time pass. (This is a strictly voluntary process,
which means that everyone is given the opportunity to bow out at any time if
they feel that they do not want to participate. Do not misconstrue what I
am about to describe as hazing, it is not and never has been. Thanks to
the actions of a few dissatisfied individuals and the avarice of the
corporate media establishment Wog Day is not fun anymore, as a matter of
fact it is quite inane.) Usually this involves standing in garbage cans and
ringing bells for Shellbacks (those who have crossed the equator,) walking
in and out of doors or through passageways on the ship. Other Wog watches
include:
- Mail Buoy Watch. Stood wearing heavy orange kapok live preservers, large
metal helmets, and a long wooden pole. Wogs will then periodically
reporting to someone that the buoy has not been sighted and there will be no
mail.
- Call For Flipper. Wog leans over side of ship and attempts to 'call
Flipper.' Periodic reports are then made to someone who will indicate that
the individual looking for Flipper is not calling correctly and should
modify their calls in one way or another. Apparently Flipper is
particularly attracted to renditions of 'I'm a Little Teapot.' (This is all
very scientific, don't ask.)
- Bucket Watch. Wog is issued a bucket, a funnel, a quantity of water and a
spoon. Wog then pours water into funnel and reports which way water goes
down the funnel. (This is supposed to look for an change in direction due
to the Coriolis Effect. I told you, very scientific.)
- Equator Watch. Wog is given a pair of binoculars and a large amount of
superfluous equipment, then told to scan the horizon for signs of the
equator which include letters, large solid or dashed black lines and a
bump.
About twenty-four hours before the ceremony officially starts the Wog Talent
Show is held. (Note: This used to include the picking of a Wog Queen,
however we aren't allowed to do that anymore. Bit sexist it seems.) The
most talented of all the slimy Wogs are allowed to become Honorable
Shellbacks at the get go and then skip the ceremony the next day. This is
all a set up and the talent show winners are usually the last people through
the 'ceremony.'
The last hurdle that slimy Wogs must face before becoming Shellbacks is the
'Crossing of the Line Ceremony.' Now, there are some things that I am not
going to give away because they are just sacred and not to be mucked with.
However if you are facing this I would recommend that you:
- Do not write 'Special Case' anywhere on your body.
- Do not eat the 'Wog Breakfast.'
- Tape the toes of your boots with duct tape. Start at the toes, wrap to
about mid foot and then circle around the heel and lower ankle, then around
the toes several more times.
- Wear heavy leather gloves.
- Cut your hair very short the night or day prior. Do not shave your head
with a razor as you are going to be exposed to a great deal of saltwater
being sprayed out of fire hoses.
- Dress before going to bed.
- Bone up on various Christmas Carols.
- Remember to enjoy yourself.
- When you finish and they ask you what you are, make sure you say Wog.
Ominous Laughter
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