Why noding about your personal life can be a bad idea

I feel violated somehow. I discovered this beautiful world about six months ago, and it's steadily grown into the single thing in my life which I hold sacred. I love it here. I love you all. When I sit at home, I feel empty and alone. When I'm immersed in E2, I feel like a part of the community. I feel appreciated. I feel accepted. When someone /msg's me with a compliment on one of my nodes, or even when I get C!'d, I feel very happy. I very rarely feel truly happy in my other life. I was finally starting to feel like I could really express myself here. Like I could really share how I feel. When I was younger, before I realized that people would give me money to code, I always wanted to be a writer. I feel like I can be both right now. I get paid for what I'm good at, and I do what I love in my free time.

I trusted the community. I don't feel that same trust anymore. I'm worried that I won't be able to drop my inhibitions at the door anymore. I'm worried that I'll censor myself from now on. I really don't what that to happen, but I feel terrible right now, and I don't want to feel this way again.

It's not even so much that I'm bothered that people read some of the things here. It's that I don't feel that it was (or could be) interpreted properly, especially by anyone who doesn't know what it's like here. The person I am when I node is not the same as the person I am when I talk. This is another life. I am not Ben, I am SlightlyMadman. Do not confuse one with the other. Yes, many of the things I node about are mostly true. The problem is that they're more or less second hand. The person speaking them is not the person who experienced them, even if we happen to share the same social security number. I exaggerate. I blur and alter certain things to better make a point, to more strongly provoke an emotional response, or just to make it sound more interesting.

All I want to do right now is run away. I want to leave everything. I want to delete my account. I want to move to another state. Maybe I'll just create a new account here, where nobody will know that it's me, but the thought of that makes me sad.

Honesty regarding one's self can be very good, but only if you can detach yourself from it.

Having been in the internet atmosphere for several years now, and having experienced the sudden silence that seems to fall in bbs rooms whenever anything personal or idealogically beautiful goes from my brain to the screen, I have to say that true, open honesty about anything on the net is an open invitation to have your heart torn out.

Because the internet is merely words on a screen, many people are incapable of regarding what they see in the same context as, say, people's feelings. You become a part of the entertainment, rather than a living soul.

Is this expression worth the risk? Personally, I think so, and have never held back from self expression. But I've also learned to stop caring or attatching too much importance to what other people think. That's far too dangerous anywhere in life, but especially on the 'net.

I'm not saying it won't get you in trouble. But I for one am glad I have tried to stay true and honest about what I've noded here regarding my personal life, that I haven't adopted too far fetched and alternative personality so that I can keep every one happy and keep giving them the warm fuzzies.

But I don't want to pretend that my life is anything but what it is. I don't want to hide the things I'm ashamed about. This for me is a way of saying to people, "if you want to see how my mind functions, read this and if you still want to deal with me, we can talk." I've done that once or twice, told people I've met IRL to read my website or my E2 nodes and I've found it to be a great feature. They know that they may become writing fodder, and while that can be unsettling, it's better that they know up front because I am, by my definition, a writer and will end up documenting them at some point.

It is wrong for me to expect other people to be the way I am, to take the reputation risks I may take by writing as I do. But I can't help but feel a release when I do, so that if people will judge me, they can do so openly, they will have all the ammo they need; they will not have to search for or whip up ammo. I feel better knowing that I wasn't scared to put myself out there and show all my flaws, that I haven't spent most of my time creating nice little facades to distract people from seeing me in all my imperfections. It isn't for everyone. It may not be for me forever. But for now, it's something I must do.