When not to break up with your girlfriend

I had planned to spend the night before writing the essay (due at 1205) and then study for the exam (1305-1505) the following morning. Instead, I spent most of the evening cursing the lack of suitable alcohol in my apartment, then, in a particularly ironic twist, deciding to play Barenaked Ladies' Alcohol as a substitute. Strangely enough, I felt better after playing it. LOUD.

When your relationship is a secret.

When your relationship is a secret from your wife.

When your relationship is a secret from your girlfriend's parents.

When your relationship is a secret from your other girlfriends.

When your relationship is a secret from the voting public upon whom you depend for your job as a United States Congressman.

When your relationship is a secret from your girlfriend's employers over whom you have oversight authority.

When your relationship is a secret from your girlfriend's friends who would be her bridesmaids when you get married, of course, after ditching your current wife of 34 years.

When your relationship is a secret from your party which was just rocked by another intern scandal and desperately needs to hold on to your seat in the coming election.

When your relationship is a secret from the news media who desperately want another sex scandal in Washington.

When your relationship is a secret from the police who are interviewing you about your girlfriend's recent disappearance.

When you never should have touched her in the first place, you idiot.