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What would happen if the Borg assimilated Linux?

created by ford_prefect

(idea) by Jet-Poop (2.3 hr) (print)   ?   (I like it!) 3 C!s Sat Nov 13 1999 at 14:50:44

Well, they'd quit trying to assimilate other planets. They'd just sit around on Everything and Slashdot all day and talk about how great Linux and Linus Torvalds were, expecting other planets to just sign up for assimilation. Hell, if other planets were even worth assimilating, they'd already be on Linux--otherwise, they're too stupid to bother with.

Hey, I kid! I kid 'cause I love!

(fiction) by SyntaxVorlon (8.6 hr) (print)   ?   (I like it!) 1 C! Fri Jul 20 2007 at 20:42:13

Borg internal runtime log: Stardate 23892.6

{assimilated: Species 4451, 983, 1024.49(subspecies)}
{assimilation activities: absorbing information from 4451........
Log 4451:Collector/Museum species, resistive planets remain, knowledge base extensive.
Loading 4451 knowledge base...
Art loaded.
Sciences loaded.
Loading linguistics database, includes application software and hardware interface software.
..Loaded World of Warcraft...
....WARNING: ADDICTIVE CONTENT. DANGER TO EFFICIENCY. EMERGENCY DATA COLLECTION DUMP.
..Loaded Microsoft Works 2045.
....Analysis: useless. Disregarding
..Loaded Linux Kernel 5.6.99
....Analysis: integrable. Integrating...

Mounted Linux Kernel 5.6.99...
....Noted efficiency increase.
....Hardware verification fast.
....Nanoprobes software optimization completed.
....Sensor data analysis efficiency increase.

Integration successful.
Reverse Engineering Linux Kernel...!
Reverse Engineering unnecessary! Source code bundled.
Hacking system, engaging poweruser status......
Synthesis occurred. Implementing new procedure.

Aboard the USS Halcyon Sky:

Ensign Wedge: Sir, we're reading a major subspace broadcast directed across all bands, it's swamping all communication channels.
Captain Biggs: Source?
Ens. Wedge: Unknown, intensity is too high. It looks like it's coming from all directions. Report coming in on signal analysis. It's the young ensign goes a pale shade of white borg, sir. Cpt. Biggs: WHAT?!
Ens. Wedge: Borg, sir. A sort of complex data stream. But it's apparently unencrypted. The translation shows its some sort of plan. Analysis has it feeding into the computer as we speak....Sir, Analysis has finished it's...the plan for their nanotechnology.
Cpt. Biggs: You're kidding me. The borg just handed their technological grail to us on a platter?
Ens. Wedge: It looks like it sir.
Cpt. Biggs: Hitting his comms badge Lieutenant Terra.
Yes sir?
Cpt. Biggs: I want you and your science teams working on that data we just received from the Borg, I want you studying their designs and learning all of their tricks.
Aye sir!

A week passes aboard ship, Lt. Terra makes a batch of nanoprobes and is testing it in one of the labs. The next transmission comes in.

Ens. Wedge: ...telemetry shows a mark 4.5 deflection off of...SIR Incoming Transmission, audio only, its the same as last week.
Cpt. Biggs: Put it through.
WE ARE THE BORG. YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE.
Cpt. Biggs: The HELL we will!!
sudo WE ARE BORG. YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE
Bridge Crew: ...done.
sudo APT-GET INSTALL BORGCONVERSION.
sudo KILL -9 xconf.PERSONALITY

Assimilated Crew: Complete.

Some people don't know what a pipe link is, so I'll say now that the joke is really from xkcd


printable version
chaos

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