What if Dr. Seuss taught Japanese rope bondage?

Sometimes I tie her to a chair
Sometimes I hang her from her hair
Tied up, pushed down, on her face
I can tie her anyplace
Nothing turns my female on
Like being tied up for someone

I'd like to point out that this was a nodeshell. I didn't think this up all on my own. ;)
I'd also like to add that this is supposed to be humorous, and all in good fun. Please don't take offense, I don't mean any.

If your girlfriend's feeling horny - yes its corny but that's life -
you should tie her to a table with rope cut down by a knife.
Then you squeeze her and you tease her and eventually you'll please her,
and she'll love you then forever and become your grateful wife.

Get some K-Y and a carrot, use a parrot if you dare!
And just slip it up inside her after shaving off her hair.
Then you lick it and you flick it. Yes that's perfect, just the ticket!
(oh, don't ask about the parrot, just be glad it's not a bear.)