Virginity, my loss of

Generally, the first time for anyone really sucks. My first time, it was more out of curiosity than lust. I was in a romantic relationship, and we had done a lot of other things, but not done it yet.

So, one day, I just decided that I had gotten curious enough that I wanted to do it. It does hurt, a lot, the first time. I just laid down on the bed with my pants off, and he kneeled between my legs, and entered me. Dear God, that hurt. I bled. I was terrified that I was pregnant (I was young and didn't know much). We didn't even finish, I hurt too much.

That being said, it does get much better. Try using lubricants until you're more comfortable. Things to help you get more comfortable - Make out lots. Have fun. Kiss. Hug. Learn each other's bodies. Learn what pleases each other - where to touch, what gets them going... Definitely, teach your man what pleases you. There is no greater joy than a man who aims to please.

Sex is one of the BEST THINGS in life. (Spoken like a true college slut, eh?) It really is. It can make time stop. You forget where you are (and whether the windows are open and the neighbours can hear you). It gets rid of stress, and makes you happy and relaxed. Try not to act too happy though, people can tell.

At least my friend Karen can. ;)

November of sophomore year of college. I had known the guy for a year, dated him for 2.5 months, and it was Friday the 13th. He wasn't a virgin and had been showing me, basically, the even-more-fun stuff you could do with a partner. The whole week we had been inching farther and farther toward penile penetration, had gotten the condoms by Wednesday and Friday night found his dorm room empty except for us.

The space on top of the loft was pretty cramped. We made out and such until there was no chance that I wasn't lubricated. Then we tried penetration, first with him on top but we couldn't seem to get him inside. Then with me on top, which worked better. It ached a little, and there was a small amount of blood, but not much. After a bit during the act, the sensation became more pleasant. Not orgasmic (that time), but fun.

So anyway, I hope this will give some readers a little idea that first-time sex for women can go well (and I think the reasons why it went well are not hard to pick out).

1) I was nine years old.

2) She was related to me.

3) It was up her bottom.

Before you scroll hastily for your downvote let me at least attempt to explain myself!

Yes, I was 9 years old and it was anal sex - I remember this because I laid my hands on one of those books that mothers give to their daughters at the onset of puberty, you know "Our Bodies Ourselves", one of those sorts of things after a class with Mrs Saunders (my teacher from the ages 8-9). I 'learnt' in the loosest possible sense of the word where babies came from and how it happens when a man puts his 'penis' in a womans 'vagina' (I had to get some help finding out what these words meant!). I recall that fear of impregnating my 'partner' lead me up the back passage (the fact that I was entirely incapable of producing semen hadn't occured to me however).

The fact that I had the MMO (means, motive and opportunity) to accomplish my far too young sexual act with a 'relative' was my parents fault.

Firstly I have to point out that my partner in crime was my step-sister (ie: no blood relation, so no danger of 15 fingered offspring) who was 5 months my senior and that the reason we came in such close proximity was that from the age of 6 I often had to sleep in the same bed as her at my step-mother and father's house.

The fact that my father was very bad at hiding his substantial collection of hard-core pornographic films coupled with our curious desire to find them led to an early (and somewhat disturbing) interest in matters of the flesh.

What had started a couple of years earlier as no more than a little bit of 'Doctor's and nurses' style fun had reached a rather more perverse level!

As we got a little older, the sleeping in the same bed stopped, but the sex continued as we progressed to full vaginal sex etc etc.

One night (I must have been 14 or so) it suddenly occured to me just how wrong it all was and I found myself unable to look my step-sister in the eye and went about 2 years without really speaking to her.

Shortly afterwards she moved away to live with her father and I breathed a sigh of relief. We get on OK now, and I'd probably laugh if it was brought up (no-one in the family knows obviously) - but it must have fucked me up a bit, mustn't it???

I'd only known the guy for three days. He was the ex-boyfriend of my best friend's cousin, generally regarded as a slut. (Both the cousin and the ex-boyfriend, actually). My best friend and I lived in a fairly small suburb, and so did he. So we were walking past his house on Friday and decided to say hi.

He had a pool in the backyard, and we swam and flirted. Not too heavily, as I had never even french-kissed anyone at this point in my life. He invited us to come back Monday morning. She was actually asleep on the floor the whole time - or at least she pretended to be asleep.

The sex itself wasn't much. Foreplay (during which I lay there like a log because i was too afraid to do anything) wasn't bad. The point of penetration hurt some; more notable was the fact that I kept bleeding a little for long enough afterward that I wondered if it was that time of the month.

The thing is, I'd seen a movie called Casual Sex starring Victoria Jackson in which she said she'd never had sex without crying in the bathroom afterwards. I told myself I never wanted to do that. But then I found myself in his bathroom, crying. I left while he was in the shower, my best friend still asleep on his floor.

It was a year and a half before I had sex with anyone else, and that was a friend at a party. I've heard that he told people I wasn't very good because I just laid there, but really I just didn't know what to do. Other than that it didn't change our relationship. Maybe it was just because it was so much later, but it hurt then too, not as much but in the same way. So those of you anticipating your second times, don't worry if that hurts too.

What I remember most was the smell of her house. It was a suburban, mass produced kind of smell. When I got there, noone else was home. She said her parents and brother would be out all night.

We were in the same class. I was reaching ahead by two years, she was going to graduate. I understood the material well, she did not. And we were being paired in some joint homework, so she invited me over to her place to work on it. I duly accepted. Three years doesn't sound like that much of an age gap, but at 15 (me), it really is.

And I did, and we did. We got it over rather quickly, really, cause homework bored me, although I did take the time to explain what she did and we did in fact do it together, and I was about to leave before she asked if I wouldn't mind some red wine.

Now, I was still at the drinking-cheap-convenience-store-wine-behind-the-bleachers stage in life, and the thought of a drink or two suited me just fine. The first we sipped in relative silence, there being a rather awkward pause whose portent I didn't quite understand.

Her questions became sort of the feeling someone out personally questions. Who i was friends with, what did I like to do in my spare time kind of... she handed me a second glass. I drank that as well. Later on I realised I didn't see her pour the second one. She went away to the kitchen to do that.

I started to relax a lot more. I was usually nervous around people's houses for the first time, and frankly, girls made me nervous too. I usually kept to myself, or the company of a couple of male friends.

The shadows were starting to lengthen.

I asked her some similar small talk back, but I didn't quite catch what she said somehow.

I had been drunk once, but I naively thought that I was simply reacting as a relative newcomer to a stronger wine. I was starting to lose track of time and her conversation. I was unsteady on my feet. She told me to sit down. For a brief moment I wondered if I'd be okay before I really had to be home. My parents were rather strict.

I suddenly had to be somewhere, but where? My limbs were leaden. I had great difficulty following a train of thought. Two drinks. Was it two? Good wine.

I was lying down. Two drinks? Really good wine. My clothes were loose. Someone was kissing my neck. It was enjoyable. Someone was there, someone wasn't. Rustling near my head. Chill of cold air.

I was naked. Wow, man. Really. How did that happen. I must remember that wine. It is really very good. What time is it? I tried to move. I was pushed gently back. I think I have to be somewhere.

Part of me felt like I should cover myself. But my chest felt good.

I went to cover parts I was worried people would laugh at. My hand was taken away gently. It's okay, the voice said. You're fine.

Soft voice.

Wetness at the neck again. Interesting candle on the wall. Why is it so dark?

I was fine. But I needed to be somewhere....

A song I didn't quite know. Never heard it before. Didn't realise it was playing. Music is important. I'll figure out what it is and then I'll go. But I have problems making out speech at the best of times, and the man was screeching. What time is it?

Couldn't register much. Leaden. Felt like I should be doing something. But what. Wasnt I supposed to be somewhere?

And she's buying

Hey, it's okay to be naked. I'm comfortable. Vulnerable, but I mean, it's.. wait. I was thinking something there. What time is it?

I closed my eyes. Fighting to stay awake. So tired. I can't sleep here, I'm supposed

a stairway

to be somewhere. Am I being kissed? Shouldn't I kiss her back? Where is she? Shouldn't I be doing the kissing? That's how it's supposed to that's how what is supposed to wait, what time is it

Soft wet warmth enveloping me. A piercing, delicious gliding sensation, better than I have felt before, and then weight on my hips. Rolling, grinding. The slide again. I surrendered.

Oh

my

God.

a stairway to Heaven

I could lie here forever. My entire existence reduced to one absolutely wonderful

Someone moaning and crying out

I was too. Was I? What time is it? How long have I been doing this? How long have I been doing what

Then coming. obliterating every single thought, taking out the back of my head like a jackhammer. Feeling it build up, burst, repeat on echo, dying slowly.

And then I was alone.

After some time the shadows began to shrink. I started to remember where I was. I felt lighter, surer of myself. Clocks made sense again. Trains of thought became clearer. Things started making sense again. A horrible kind of sense. And I was very, very late to get home.

Seeing I was able to be coherent, she threw my clothes at me.

"Congratulations. You're not a virgin. Now get out."

-----

Three weeks later she finally spoke to me again. She had something called chlamydia and I needed to get tested for it but if I said anything to anyone about it, she'd say I raped her. I asked about pregnancy and she just laughed, saying she was sure she was going to menstruate soon, and if she didn't, she'd get back to me.

----

The doctor was female.

She held my genitalia between her fingertips, examining it, like it was some distasteful trash bag she'd lost her wedding ring in. her other fingers were spread as far away as possible from the rest of her hand.

"Well, okay."

She got up and walked over to a cabinet and retrieved some items. She sat down brusquely and told me to look at the chart on the wall over there.

"Which one? You mean..."

SEARING PAIN. She had roughly rammed a cotton swab a third the length up my urethra. Tears sprang to my eyes. I started to curl into a foetal position as she stood up.

"Maybe that'll teach you to go around giving girls diseases" she hissed, pulled the swab roughly back out, snapped off her gloves, and walked out, leaving me crying, quietly, for the next ten minutes.

------

I did not have sex again for years.

Sometimes, it hurts the first time for us, too.