Things to consider if you might be talking to an alien

created by Zach

(idea) by Zach (6.1 mon) (print) ? (I like it!) 1 C! Sat Dec 23 2000 at 21:02:24

Whether you're just thinking E2 is run by aliens, realizing that your TV is talking back or maybe your cat, or if you're just contemplating the possibilities, one thing is for sure: there's a number of things you ought to consider if you find you might be talking to an alien.

Are you actually in their spaceship? - Do you think you might be in one of those weird industrial goth paintings? Or does it just look like a hospital?
Are there tubes or weird looking devices sticking out of any of your body's orifices? - God, I hope you're into kinky stuff. Otherwise you just won't be able to allow yourself to enjoy it.
Do you understand them? - Maybe they've learned our language but I doubt you've taken the time to learn theirs. If you do understand what they're saying, do they have a really strange accent, or do they just sound like they're from Canada?
Are they asking for directions? - Keep in mind that odds are they won't know a street sign from a banana. So try to stick with just landmarks like large buildings and mountains when you tell them how to get to the McDonalds.
Are there guys in suits wearing sunglasses who look like they're probably agents for the american federal government? - Then odds are you're definitely talking to aliens. I mean, have you heard George W. Bush try to talk in public? It's scary!
Is she a cute alien who's offering to have sex with you so they can better populate their species with new DNA? - If so, what are you bitching about? Granted if she's ugly, or smells funny, then maybe you have a point.
Are they asking you to help them across the border? - If so, you and I are not on the same wavelength. Those are not the kinda aliens I'm talking about.
Are they going to let you go? - If they're not, then it really doesn't matter now does it?
Are they going to wipe your memory before they let you go? - If they are, be sure to ask them to also wipe that embarrassing moment you had in your childhood, when your mom caught you masturbating to your Dad's girlie magazines.
Do you see any mutilated cows laying beside you? - if you do, GET OUT OF THERE!

Be sure not to tell anybody afterwards, unless you like people looking at you for the rest of your life and thinking "FREAK!" If this ever happens to you, now you'll be ready. Knowledge is power. Contemplating this predicament ahead of time can offer you both a chance to appreciate the experience better, and also avoid any unnecessary interplanetary incidents that tend to tick off the people at the United Nations.

More Things to Consider:

printable version
chaos

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Oh My Goth	1 Cloud + 1 Cloud = 1 Cloud	A mathematically fair way to split a taxi ride with multiple stops	TV is the alien sitting in our home
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Designing aliens	The Black Knight	Tricks girls use to look like they swallow	Alien Syndrome

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